No five people have ever been more addicted to the spotlight than the cast of Queer Eye. They will do anything for attention, and if it comes with a paycheck that is all the better. The latest manifestation of this desire comes in the form of Jonathan Van Ness and Antoni Porowski (hair and food, respectively) pretending to be in a sexual relationship in order to shill for pet food.
On their shared Instagram — which, to their credit, has existed since 2019 — the two posted a photo of Van Ness straddling Porowski, both of them staring deep into each other’s eyes. It has the same level of sensuality as the engagement photos of devout Christian couple that just can’t wait to bone.
“And to think it all started as a joke. Happy to report that we’re finally together as partners - for real this time :) More tomorrow,” reads the caption.
No need to wait until tomorrow, because we already know the details. On Twitter, one user replied to the podcast Who? Weekly’s tweet about the matter, noting that the third account followed by @jvntoni (the first two being Van Ness and Porowski, obviously) is one called @yummerspets.
Do some digging and you’ll learn that Yummers Pet Supply is a brand of “mix-ins” and “functional toppers” that you add to your pet’s kibble. Coming in both chunk and dust variations, Yummers mix-ins run the gamut from “Heart Functional Mix-Ins (Beef) for Dogs” to “Digestive Functional Mix-Ins (Elk) for Cats.” Delish!
Per the Yummers website, “Mix-ins add flavor, variety, and function to mealtime. They are a tasty and nutritious way to enrich your pet's everyday diet.” So, that’s that. JVN and Antoni aren’t fucking, they’re just coming together to sell you something your pet probably doesn’t need. I’m going to imagine it’s some combination of their skills, like a special mix-in that makes your pet’s hair shinier. If reviews of Porowski’s now-shuttered fast casual restaurant are any indication, it will be too salty.
This is a real missed opportunity for these two. They could have saved the fake relationship move for a special brand of JVN hair oil that you can cook with, or a branded line of spatulas that also detangles your tresses (only available at Target), or, at the very least, some fake sexual wellness supplements made up of the finest mushrooms an overseas supplier has to offer. To quote Call Me By Your Name, “What a waste.”