Now who’s this debonair piece of arm candy sculpted of beef tallow and stabilized by bubble wrap?
It’s Jeff Bezos, on the arm of his Amazonian Alive Girl, Laura Sanchez, at the Los Angeles premiere of the new Amazon Prime Video show The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power. Instead of spending a little more time workshopping that title with a hired gun at a branding agency, Bezos has gone out and gotten a Bravo Face sculpted for himself.
What’s Bravo Face, and am I a feminist traitor for pointing it out? I’ll explain, and also, I don’t care about the second thing anymore. Bravo Face is a man-made visage that a second season Real Housewife of Whereva acquires after a long, hard 22 episodes of seeing their perceived facial deficiencies blown up on the television screen and then picked apart on Reddit for the first time in their life.
I imagine that hurts pretty bad, and I’d use my Bravo money to get work done, too.
Bezos Face (God-Given)
Usually, Housewives focus on adding volume to their lips, cheekbones, and jawlines to create the illusion of definition, rather than chiseling. It’s not an unattractive face, necessarily. But it can be confusing. It messes with some as-yet-undetermined golden ratio for facial beauty, and so their faces look enormous on an otherwise standard-size head.
To make up for the added bulk, eyelids and foreheads get lifted and pulled. Like with Bezos’s Bravo Face, some of the Housewives’ non-surgically altered features — for instance, their actual eyeballs — become corrupted. Overzealous lip fillering usually gets the worst rap, but I find that once Housewives and Bezos start to mess with the cheeks, the entire top half of the face is off. Eyebrows start to look laser-etched and severe, dangerously close to bisecting the eyelid. Noses become the same. Bravo Face tends to afflict the whitest of Housewives, but not always.
Of course, some Housewives come in with Bravo Face, especially if they already have a ton of money via marrying men of dubious riches.
It’s also important to point out that one doesn’t necessarily need to be a Housewife to have Bravo Face. You could also be a tugboat captain, a waitress, a close friend, or a head honcho.
Captain Sandy Yawn
The Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick
Looking good, J.B. You’re ready for the silver screen. Throw a drink or record yourself a little dance track, baby!