I do not seek out news of Alex Rodriguez. He does not enter my mind without prompt, and I could not tell you many facts about him. The facts I know primarily center around his public breakup with Jennifer Lopez, who is now pretend-dating Ben Affleck in a way we are either supposed to or not supposed to enjoy; I can’t keep up on the public opinion and feel neutral about it otherwise. I do not look for Alex Rodriguez, yet news of him always finds me. It is increasingly stressful.
Here is Alex Rodriguez in front of a car. It’s the car, “Page Six” tells me, that he gave Jennifer Lopez for her 50th birthday. “I’m super down to earth,” says the photo’s caption. “Page Six” detailed a number of embarrassing comments left on the image: “looks like jlo left not only you but the red car too😂😂,” “She gave you the car back ha ha ha ha and the Ring two [sic]😂😂😂😂,” “Bro kept the car 😭💀.”
I don’t need this in my life. Why is this man humiliating himself? Why did he think he should pose in front of the car he gave to Jennifer Lopez, revealing that she either gave the car back or that he asked for it back, neither of which are flattering situations for him? And if it’s not her car, then what — he just bought the same car he gave her? That’s not good either. I don’t want to have to know this. Why do I have to consider the mournful interior life of Alex Rodriguez?
Alex Rodriguez, I need you to stop. If you don’t want to do it for you, do it for me. You are making me very uncomfortable, and I’m just trying to be online.