“I Work in Publicity and Had to Say Something": A Look at Some Terrible DeuxMoi Posts
I wish they’d Deux less
The patron account of banal celebrity gossip, DeuxMoi, caused a stir over the weekend for a blind item that seems to say that America’s boyfriend John Mulaney and pregnant person Olivia Munn broke up. It’s one of the juicier tips the anonymous Instagram account has gotten in a minute, as it mostly posts unverified sightings of Penn Badgley walking his dog, Shailene Woodley getting dinner in the West Village, and specious blind items (here at Gawker, our blind items are notarized at Brooklyn City Hall).
It’s no secret that DeuxMoi often sucks ass and has brought renewed academic interest in the word “parasocial,” which has led many of those in the gossip elite (us) to abandon it. But in light of recent events, we wondered what they’ve been up to recently (how many times has Nicholas Braun been spotted at Rays? How many A-list singers have signed endorsement deals with a tequila that rhymes with Lasatigos?). What follows is a review of some of the piping hot goss they’ve been slinging in the past week, scored based on believability, juiciness, and an overall rating that combines those two scores and my own personal reading of the blind.
John Mulaney and Olivia Munn Broke Up
Likelihood of Truth: 7/10
Overall Rating: 4/10
These blind items caused a big old brouhaha, I think because they’re entirely believable. (Please also note the source in the second screenshot — someone who “works in publicity and had to say something, a Frances Haugen for the braindead.) Mulaney got divorced basically yesterday, and according to slightly more reputable sources (Us Weekly), his relationship with Munn isn’t long for this world. However, I can’t help but be unmoved by this gossip. If I never hear anything about Mulaney’s personal life again it will be too soon.
Whitney Cummings’s Weird Airport Meal
Likelihood of Truth: 3/10
Overall Rating: 5.5/10
This is just too bizarre. Cummings is a very rich woman, and if she is on the kind of carb-only diet that this blind suggests, I feel like she would have brought her own loaf of bread or something to the airport. The specificity of this lends to the idea that this could maybe be true, but I don’t believe it.
Michael C. Hall Disrespecting a Line
Likelihood of Truth: 9/10
Overall Rating: 7/10
In stark contrast to Cummings’s airport mukbang, I can see this happening. Hall seems like the kind of guy who would think he could finess his way into a hot restaurant based on name recognition. Sorry, Dexter, but there are TikTok celebrities who have been patiently waiting for their turn. I do like that he just went to the back of the line though.
Martha Stewart Is Tall
Likelihood of Truth: 8/10
Overall Rating: 7.5/10
According to Google, Martha Stewart is 5’9”. That’s a tall lady! In classic DeuxMoi fashion, this is a fairly boring anecdote that would only be mildly interesting in any other context. “I saw Martha Stewart today, she’s pretty tall.” If you said that to your friends at a party I’m sure they would be like, “Oh huh, I didn’t know that,” before moving the conversation along. In that way it’s a perfect DeuxMoi post: a sighting of a famous person that reveals nothing and would be scoffed at by any serious gossip publication.
Zoe Kravitz Not Knowing Who Brian Laundrie Is
Likelihood of Truth: 9/10
Overall Rating: 8/10
This is a beautiful story of a normal person overstepping a boundary in an exceptionally dumb way and feeling the repurcussions of their actions. Kravitz and Tatum handled this perfectly. If I were a super famous actor and someone did this to me I too would be like “Ok… and?” This post also serves the alleged purpose of gossip, which is to reveal something about its subject. Now we know that Kravitz doesn’t consume a lick of news, good for her. My editor vehemently disagrees with me on this one and thinks it is a fantasy that anyone would bring up Brian Laundrie at Bemelman’s — but this is my post, and it’s my truth being spoken.
Whatever This Is
Likelihood of Truth: 10/10
Overall Rating: 8/10
Somewhere in New York City a famous singer is filming something? This is peak DeuxMoi. No context, no names, no information. It’s perfect. Who could it be? Does it matter at all? This could be anything from Beyoncé filming a new music video to Ariana Grande filming a McDonald’s commercial, we literally will never know. It’s so stupid that it comes back around to being incredible. DeuxMoi, thank you for always making us laugh.