Smile quietly to yourself for the first eleven minutes of Gwyneth Paltrow’s guided tour of her Montecito home in her just-released episode of Architectural Digest’s “Open Door” series (the same one that gave us Dakota Johnson’s fraudulent limes).
Gwyneth drawls and uptalks and giggles and trails off in a way that’s always lulled me into complacency (politically speaking) as I stick a whole jade egg up in me, or whatever she asks me to do. The house feels the same way. It’s a lot of gray and greige and beige and white, quite beautiful, but nothing too stand-out. She loves her dutch ovens, her friend Bridget bought her those chairs, and the black and white tiling in the entry-way reminds her of her time in London, though to me they’re more reminiscent of Kris Jenner’s former kitchen aesthetic.
I am getting sleepy, so very sleepy, even without the aid of my Goop-branded powders and tinctures for rest. You are too. But can you make it through the end? Can you at least make it to 10:46 into the video, when Gwyn shows off the room in her house she calls “a bit of a spa?” inspired by one of her favorite Parisian spots Les Bains du Marais?
“You know, I’m into wellness, so I feel like it’s justified, right? I mean, yeah, well, maybe I can write it off as a business expense, then?” Gwyn says.
She has a cold plunge pool, a hot tub, a sauna, and a steam room. I’d like to die here, by Gwyneth’s hand, drowned beneath her $20,000 Roman and Williams for Waterworks RW Atlas thermostatic handshower.