Good morning, and welcome to an entirely new Great Britain, a motherless one you may not recognize: a new Albion where Charles is King, where beleaguered party tart divorcée Fergie gets custody of the Queen’s corgis, where the Windsor brothers and their wan girlie girls with the scrawniest of ankles walked in a straight line together, and where Little Prince Lou is making headlines for his touching, Ruthkanda Forever-adjacent tribute to his great Granny. One thing remains the same, though: Harry’s milking this damn thing like he’s an itinerant dairy worker in a Thomas Hardy novel.
On the landing page of the Archewell website, the propaganda arm of Meghan Markle’s podcasting company and commercial chicken coop, Harry posted a statement in dramatic white-on-black. In the second paragraph, the Prince makes a direct address to Lilibet Emeritus.
Granny, while this final parting brings us great sadness, I am forever grateful for all of our first meetings—from my earliest childhood memories with you, to meeting you for the first time as my Commander-in-Chief, to the first moment you met my darling wife and hugged your beloved great-grandchildren. I cherish these times shared with you, and the many other special moments in between. You are already sorely missed, not just by us, but by the world over. And as it comes to first meetings, we now honour my father in his new role as King Charles III.
Harry also thanked the Queen for her commitment to service, her sound advice, and her infectious smile. He does not speak to the distinct qualities of King Daddy, however, though he does “honour” him.
It’s okay, sweet, thick Prince: not everyone can write about the Queen with grace, good humor, and impressive specificity like we do over here. But you tried, and that’s all that matters. Meghan’s name is notably left off of the eulogy, and I assume it’s because her statement on the three profound times she met the Queen is forthcoming in her best calligraphy. It certainly will not happen in audio format on an upcoming episode of her smash hit podcast Archetypes, seeing as it is temporarily on ice for mourning purposes. And just when panicked parent company Spotify was finally getting a return on their investment almost three years after forking over eight figures to the Fabulous Markle Twins with barely a BetterHelp ad to show for it.
Harry and Meghan are extending their trip to the UK after a botched first leg, and they are even considering shipping Lilibet Jr., the New Supreme, and Archie in for the funeral later this month with their maternal grandmother Doria Ragland. There’s no word yet if Harry will speak at the funeral, or what Nacho Figueras has to say about all this.