For years now we as a culture have been consumed with Chrises. Who’s your favorite Chris? Who’s the hottest Chris? Fuck, marry, kill these three Chrises. Everyone is obsessed with a Chris.
The Chrises in question are always Evans, Pratt, Pine, and Hemsworth. They are all handsome and white, and all occupy some part of our current superhero landscape.
While we’re here, the answer to every Chris question is Pine, unless the question is “Which Chris is the worst,” in which case the answer is Pratt. That is definitive. Moving on.
Even though we are all desperate to know which Chris you’d take home to your mom, the answer does not really tell me much about you. Every Chris is a variation on a chiseled, alabaster theme. If you want to really know a person, ask them about their favorite Hollywood Jason.
The pool of famous Jasons is much more diverse, spanning age, race, and vibe. While there is almost no difference between the people who choose Hemsworth and those who choose Evans as their favorite Chris, there is a vast chasm between people whose favorite Jason is Sudeikis and those whose favorite Jason is Derulo.
For the purposes of this exercise, we’ll be working with eight different Jasons: Sudeikis, Statham, Bateman, Momoa, Derulo, Schwartzman, Mantzoukas, and Alexander. What does your favorite Jason say about you? Let’s find out.
A year ago, this would have been an answer that screams, “Completely down-the-middle person.” Today, in the year 2021, it tells me you have an Apple TV+ subscription and/or are still watching award shows. Sudeikis inhabits an interesting spot because he is both a winner and an underdog. He’s on top of the world due to Ted Lasso, but his longtime partner allegedly left him for a 27-year-old pop star. If you’re a Sudeikis person, you’re looking to laugh, but also have that issue where you think you can be the answer to someone’s problem.
Ok, you love to have fun. You watch a lot of action movies that make little to no sense, and have a great time while doing it. Picking Statham is bold because… what is his personality in real life? I have no interest in knowing, and he has no interest in telling us. Statham people do not really care about celebrities, but do care a lot about watching hot people put themselves in dangerous situations. Statham also always looks a little angry, so maybe ask yourself why that’s working for you.
You good? A Bateman choice tells me that you need to work on your self-worth. A brunette man whose whole deal is being smarmy? We’ve all been there, and it’s not too late to start a gratitude journal. This Jason is only valid if you are a Boomer who can’t stop talking about how quickly you watched Ozark.
This Jason is the closest thing we have to a Chris. Actually, that is rude to Momoa. Yes, he is a hunky superhero, but he also has one of the greatest cosigns one can get: Lisa Bonet. If your preferred Jason is this buff Hawaiian, you have exquisite taste. You like a man with a heart of gold and a smile that can melt hearts. You’re a softie who likes the idea of someone who could bench press you. More power to you.
You love your men to have nothing going on behind the eyes. Derulo is a Jason for fun girls who don’t read. These people are a hit at parties, and love to demand the aux only to play 2010s throwbacks the whole night. If you are this person, I bet you have also tried to learn a TikTok dance, and it went horribly wrong.
I’m ringing the Highly Sensitive Person Bell for this one. Unlike the Derulo people, Schwartzman people read too much. Because you probably have divorced parents, you love the notion of a family that likes each other so much that they enter into artistic projects together. This Jason is the choice of people for whom a carefully chosen tote bag is part of their personality. There’s nothing wrong with that, but I just need you to know that calling a stranger on the phone isn’t as scary as you think it will be.
Moreso than a Bateman or even a Sudeikis, a Mantzoukas person loves to laugh. Jason Mantzoukas, while hilarious, seems like a true freak. With his wild eyes, curly mop, and penchant for playing absolutely batshit characters, Mantzoukas is the wildcard of the Jasons. Having him as your top Jason means that you have probably attended a live show of a podcast taping, and boy did you love it. There is some kind of undeniable sex appeal here, something rare in the improv comedy space. I mean, he dated Connie Britton. I trust her and her taste in Jasons.
Not everyone has a good relationship with their dad, and that’s okay.
Knowing your top Jason is a voyage of self discovery. Don’t rush to an answer. I have merely provided you with a starting point upon which to begin your journey.
Having a favorite Chris is a simple choice based on surface-level observation, like Ptolemy thinking the Earth revolved around the sun. Once you realize that the sun is actually the center of our solar system, your life can turn upside down. There is so much out there. There are Jasons.