As proxies for the Queen, Prince William and Kate have been shaking their alabaster bums across commonwealth countries in the Caribbean to commemorate the Platinum Jubbly, exploring chocolate farms and forest preserves to sample new and exciting pudding ingredients.
Citizens of Jamaica, Belize, and the Bahamas have staged massive protests amid the royals’ tropical jaunt this week, calling for British accountability for the Crown’s storied history of land grabbing, colonization, and slavery. Even People, typically the American propaganda arm of the multi-billion dollar corporation Queen Lilibet Trading Company LLC, had to acknowledge it. The magazine ran a damning cover story this week– Royal Tour Controversy: Facing Protests, The Couple Must Navigate a Changing World.
Enough was enough. In an effort not to be outdone by his woke-ass brother Harry, recent recipient of an NAACP Image Award, Prince William finally put his lily-white ass on the line and channeled loveable fop Hugh Grant stuttering out the word “sorry” a million times.
"I want to express my profound sorrow. Slavery was abhorrent. And it should never have happened," William said in a “landmark speech” in Jamaica on Wednesday. "While the pain runs deep, Jamaica continues to forge its future with determination, courage and fortitude. The strength and shared sense of purpose of the Jamaican people, represented in your flag and motto, celebrate an invincible spirit."
William is so brave! And also — vibey?
"Already in our short time here, [Kate] and I are delighted to have felt what Bob Marley described so many years ago – the spirit of 'one love' that Jamaica has given to the world and which makes this country so special," Prince William added.
He closed out the speech acknowledging the Queen’s longtime presence in the country. Jamaica is in the process of removing Queen Elizabeth as Head of State, following Barbados’ transition to a Queen-less republic last November.
"She may be my actual grandmother, but everyone counts her as their grandmother, too. And I'm ok with that!" William said.
Also, Kate dazzled in a green dress.