Throughout history there have been several world-changing celebrity toilet events. There was when Jerry Seinfeld’s wife got him a toilet for Father’s Day, for example, and when Meghan Trainor announced that she and her husband had side-by-side toilets so they could be together while they took simultaneous shits. And of course Elvis. But on this historic day, I must tell you to brace yourself for quite possibly the most world-changing celebrity toilet-related event to receive documentation since Herodotus wrote a detailed accounting of Thucydides doing “number two” in his pants. According to Drake there are secret, clean toilets out there … to which only celebrities have access.
"Gonna start using 2023 to tell you my truths," Drake began in a one-slide text-exclusive Instagram Story post, published yesterday. And of course, I share in your excitement about his resolution. His truth this time is about the unfair discrepancy between bathrooms for trashy losers and bathrooms for glossy celebs.
"I have seen more staff and private bathrooms than anybody ever…,” says Drake; a dubious proclamation but we have no choice but to believe him. He continues, “... whenever you are waiting in line to use the bathroom just know there's an amazing clean private room that they refuse to show you," he said. (The end.)
While I would have loved a bit more information — What do the bathrooms look like? At what sort of locations do they exist? Are they included on blueprints, or are contractors, too, not allowed to know about them? Do they offer Aesop soap, or do they offer Byredo? Could Shelly Miscavige be hiding in one of them? — I guess as non-Drakes we should feel lucky to have even this much. There are clean, private bathrooms out there, somewhere, and “they” refuse to even as much as show us them.
It’s a fucked up world, comrades. And for the lot of us, it’s covered in shit and piss. But at least our eyes are open now, thanks to Drake.