Daft cow, arsehole, barmy, slag, wanker, tosser, plonker, dead from the neck up, mingebag, arsemonger: these are all powerful examples of British slang terms meant to bully and belittle. But unfortunately for us, we will never get to hear which of those burns were slung by Meghan Markle in the direction of a certain weak-minded bespectacled loser, due to Buckingham Palace burying the results of their Queen-funded inquiry into accusations of misbehavior in the Sussexes’ Cottage of Pain, first reported in 2018.
According to The Times of London, the Palace instigated an inquiry and intended to spill the oolong after two senior staff members claimed Markle had bullied them while still a working royal in London. The claims came out just a few days before the duo’s interview with Oprah Winfrey in which they went full arsemonger mingebag on the Mountbatten-Windsor clan, leading Meghan’s lawyers and legions of Markleheads to decry it all as a “calculated smear campaign” by the Palace to pre-empt the Markles’ narrative (and sabotage the launch of their chicken coop).
“One aide claimed Meghan’s behavior felt ‘more like emotional cruelty and manipulation, which I guess could also be called bullying,’ the Times reported. You’ll have to be more specific, sir. Maybe you mean that thing where she allegedly laid down the law regarding "bridesmaid's tights" before her wedding?
“The actual worst [incidents] haven’t come out. There are some harrowing stories to tell.” Another palace source told the Times. “There’s a lot that could come out in the wash that hasn’t been told.”
OK, crystal clear, courtesan. I’m kidding, mate! It seems to me like the palace found a whole lot of jubblysquat.
Let me simp for Meghan just for a moment. All along, Meghan’s contended that her lawyers have all her emails and text messages that refute any and all accusations of her doling out sloppy swirlies to various dowager princesses in grace-and-favor homes or shoving Prince Andrew on the playground he was milling about, looking for a date. And now, the Palace isn’t releasing the findings of their inquiry, even though they said they would. Could it be that the inquiry wrapped up with no evidence of Eton Mess cream pies to the face or even the classic sleepover prank of freezing the Queen’s bra, which she purportedly has never put on herself?
So who is the real bully here? There’s a lot of contenders, really: The nucking futs Norfolk mum Kate Middleton, who’s been psychologically torturing Harry lately; Prince Louis, whose ego was already inflated even before he became a memelord; the Queen herself, who didn’t invite Kim K to the Jubbly because she was so pissed over the dress thing; Anyone of these stiff, scary white people.
If I were a betting woman like the Queen, with the inimitable Porchey as my bookie, I would say odds are that Princess Charlotte’s the strong-arm here. She’s “a pleasure to have in class,” after all, which is the worst thing anyone can be.