Please lean very close to the screen — I have a secret to share. While you hear the secret, do not display any outward signs of hearing a secret. Keep your expression set to neutral and, if you can, devise an alternative reason for bringing your ear so close to your screen. If you’re reading this on your phone, the reason could be a phone call. If you’re reading this on your computer, the reason could be you like the feeling of ear-on-computer contact. Feign arousal if possible. Shh. Okay. Here we go:
Brad Pitt’s friends really like him.
I know how you must be feeling, but I have to stress again that you must not display any outward signs of having heard a secret so salacious that your eyeballs want to pop out of your eye sockets and burst into the stratosphere. The secret comes from (People magazine). (It’s in parentheses because I’m whispering.)
"He is genuinely beloved," the sneaky “insider” told People regarding Brad Pitt, on the occasion of his 58th birthday. "People really like him, and he does have a strong circle supporting him."
Yes, and in your retelling please remember that you didn’t hear it from us: Brad Pitt’s friends really like him.
Hmm, what’s that? Now that your gossip appetite has been whet, you desire even more gossip? A bit greedy, but fine. "He plans to have a low-key birthday,” the insider said of Brad Pitt’s birthday plans. “Just sort of hanging out. He's staying low-key in general. That's really the kind of guy he is anyway.”
I must demand you stop yelling immediately; you’re drawing attention to our secrets! ABORT. ABORT. Eat your computer! This blog post will self-destruct in five seconds!