Breitbart.com Is Sure This Adidas Shirt's an Islamo-Mexican Terror Rug
Heard the news? If you only consume the mainstream media's Obamaflecting pulp, probably not: There are Muslims sneaking across the U.S.-Mexico border. The scary kind, who pray. How do we know? Because always-patriotic, never-delusional anti-government militiamen have a picture of their prayer rug.
That's today's scoop from the brain trust at Breitbart.com—a sort of Tiger Beat for grandchildless grumps of grandparenting age who have bandaged their disappointment with xenophobia the way they bandage gashes in the fenders of their Buicks with "I DON'T TRUST THE LIBERAL MEDIA" sticker kits.
Breitbart's editors and fan base have been on a holy mission to not feed children who migrate from Central America across the border to the U.S., because, you know, it only encourages the scamps. But today'sstory is a cut above. The headline says it all—with a little extra:
Just who were these "independendent" American security contractors? Top men.*
*(So we're told by Breitbart's patriotic sources, who have a Facebook page, so you know they're legit and not to be confused with those guys with a similar name who abruptly left the Bundy Ranch standoff because they thought Eric Holder was about to kill them all with missiles fired from drones.)
Anyway, to Arizona:
Matthew Leber spokesman for the American Patriot, Three Percent, sent Breitbart News photos of what American security contractors on the ground believe is a Muslim prayer rug found near the border in Arizona last week.
A member of the security team spoke with Breitbart News on Monday night saying they were on patrol right along the border came down into a wash and the area were working in just south of Sierra Vista in Coronado national forest.
These guys... so good.
"That's when I saw this thing laying around. And I was like, 'What the hell is that?' We walked over there and I didn't really want to pull at it not knowing what was on it. I poked a bit at it with a stick and noticed some of the Arabic writing and was just like, 'Oh boy.' I snapped a couple of photos and then went on our patrol."
Sadly, Breitbart only shared one of those photos, so let's suss it out, shall we?
1. Here we see a waist hemline on the Muslim prayer rug.
2. This would be a sleeve opening on the Muslim prayer rug, just above the diamond-hatch red-and-white pattern so popular among lower-tier football clubs and militant Muslim prayer-rug salesmen.
3. Islamic scholars and Arsenal fans will immediately recognize "die marke mit den 3 streifen" here on the Muslim prayer rug.
I don't want to alarm you, fellow Americans, but... if Breitbart's goon squad is correct in its analysis, we are in for a whole new brand of Islamic terror sleeper cell on the homeland. If these invisible jihadis can cleverly disguise their prayer rugs as fading and torn Adidas soccer jerseys, what else can they do?
We'll have to wait for more intel from the Breitbart army, but you can have faith in them:
The same contractor told Breitbart News last week that six Special Interest Aliens (SIA's) from Afghanistan, Iraq, and Yemen were picked up by U.S. border patrol near Laredo, Texas. Each one had 60,000 Iraqi Dinars ($51.00) apiece on them.
You thought al Qaeda was frightening? Steel yourself, patriots, for the Glorious Jihad of the Six Guys Who Were Just Here, Really, and Totally Had Like 51 Bucks on Them.