Joe Biden has sent you an email. But, because he’s an addled old man and a politician, he did it in the stupidest possible way.

First, he had this other guy, Ted Kaufman, write it, and instructed Kaufman to talk about him in the third person. Then, instead of sending it directly to you, he had Kaufman send it to a circle of other people, while specifically leaving the intended target of the email (you) off the list. And then, to make extra sure you got it, via this ridiculous, circuitous route, he had Kaufman give the email to another group, the Associated Press, also not on the list, but who he could trust to get it, finally, to you.

So that’s how the Associate Press wound up with this email—ostensibly from Ted Kaufman, seemingly intended for a small circle of people for whom it will have no value—which they are now tasked with presenting to you, the intended recipient of the email, in as breathless a fashion as possible.

But not by email! Instead, by posting the details of the email—but not the email itself! still not the email—in a published story that would be picked up and circulated among other publications, so that you would eventually see it and read it. “APNewsBreak: Top Biden aide lays out potential 2016 platform,” wink wink.

And he did all this with the bizarre intention that you, the intended recipient of the email, would think that the information in the email was not intended for you.

It’s possible Joe Biden has a crush on you. I’m just saying.

The email says nothing at all—nothing—that you didn’t know already: Joe Biden may or may not run for President of the United States, but there sure are some people who really hope he does. And if Joe Biden should run—which he may not, though lots of people want him to—he will carry his blue-collar charm and populist message to the people in an authentic way. Because Joe Biden is a great man, you see. Do you see? Oh no, our eyes met. This is DEVASTATING.

Ask yourself, why on earth would Joe Biden’s friend be emailing Joe Biden’s former aides with this kind of thing:

“If he runs, he will run because of his burning conviction that we need to fundamentally change the balance in our economy and the political structure to restore the ability of the middle class to get ahead,” Kaufman said.

He wants you to like him. Do you see him staring at you with big, cartoon, heart-shaped eyes?

“If he decides to run, we will need each and every one of you—yesterday!” Kaufman wrote.

Especially you.

Since this is the million-billionth dispatch from inside Biden’s political orbit, and it is substantially indistinguishable from the previous 999,999-billion dispatches, and it is clearly intended for you and not any of the people to whom it was actually sent, I am left to surmise that Joe Biden, more than anything, would like for you to ask him out for a malt.


Photo via AP