Talentless human scabs Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis have welcomed a child into this world. Mazel tov to them. I retained slight hope that they might name their baby something cool, like Leah Finnegan, but alas—reality serves to annihilate the possibility that celebrities might make good choices. And thus Ashton and Mila have named the baby girl Wyatt Isabelle.

Wyatt Isabelle. Like wearing cowboy boots with a negligee. Did I shave my back for this name? Wyatt, of course, is derived from the French, meaning "little guy," but this name is positively French Country kitchen, something Ashton and Mila decidedly are not. This name is only fit for one of Gerard Depardieu's empty wine bottles. There is nothing good about the the name Wyatt Isabelle. It the annals of Semi-Homemade Cooking with Sandra Lee, it is Kwanzaa Cake.

Mila Kunis is Ukrainian, a fact with which she doesn't seem too comfortable. Perhaps little Wyatt's name is part of some Kutcher-Kunis frontier-thesis dream. Yes, they will make it to the coast one day. Still, Anichka is a better name than Wyatt. Ashton Kutcher is from Iowa. Floyd is a better name than Wyatt. It is never a bad idea to honor where you are from when naming a baby, instead of pretending you are from the Wild Wild West and France.

A baby name can be a piece of beautiful poetry or a horrible little trash nugget. It is no surprise Kutcher, JoePa fan, and Kunis, "guys' girl," have gone the road more traveled.

At least they didn't pretend like they read and name the baby Harper.

Leah Finnegan is Gawker's baby name critic.

[Image via AP]