You, the consumer, demand that every artificially hydrogenated preservative-laced concoction that you consume be sweet as a honeybee's tits. You, the consumer, also demand that your sweet nectar be free of "calories," nature's survival mechanism. You, the consumer, have found a new fake sugar to love!

Historically, calories have been nature's reward, in the sense that they make you not starve to death. But here in modern America, we are always asking ourselves, "Can I have it all?" By that we mean, "Can I have all the food, in my mouth, all the time, and also the food is all sweet, and also I'm skinny?"

For this reason we've invented artificial sweeteners, which contain zero calories but have the enjoyable taste of sugar, if it was mixed with a variety of burnt industrial chemicals. There are lots of artificial sweeteners. And, just as surely as the pages on the calendars turn, you, the consumer, have chosen a new artificial sweetener to be all gaga about, you bunch of lolly-sucking sucralose monkeys, you. From Ad Age:

According to IRI, between 2009 and 2012, sales of Splenda fell 26%, while Equal declined 17% and Sweet'N Low dropped 15%. Meanwhile, sales of Truvia, introduced in 2008, have nearly tripled. Sugar substitutes are a $750 million market, according to Truvia.

"Truvia" is the new made-up kind of fake sugar that everyone wants now. Please make a note of it. God forbid you, the consumer, be forced to consume something that does not have the same flavor profile as a Dunkin Donuts™ brand "Rainbow Sprinkles" frosted donut product. Black coffee kills.

[Photo: Flickr]