CLEVELAND — The free market is alive and well here at the Republican National Convention. Because in addition to the official, RNC-sanctioned merchandise for sale within the arena, private vendors are making a killing selling Trump-themed refuse to freedom-loving, Hillary-hating passersby everywhere.

For those of you unable to see the spectacle for yourself, we’ve compiled some of the best bits of Republican paraphernalia for sale here in Downtown Cleveland. Here’s all the classiest, most luxurious garbage you ever did see.

Vulgar Pins

Outdoor vendors are selling an obscene amount of pins.

Republicans fucking love pins.

You know what they don’t love?


Also, small boobs.

Freedom Shirts

Personally, I think it’s wrong that Donald Trump wants to builds his wall with an army of toddlers in miniaturized cranes.

If this week had one theme, that theme would be “fuck Ted Cruz.” If it had two themes, the other would probably be “I want to fuck my guns.”

Please see above.

Freedom is also very “in” this election season.

As are ugly, unflattering shirts.

Nothing wrong with that.

Viral Cereal

If you’re a teen looking to become a viral sensation, there’s nowhere better than the place where nearly every single media outlet in the country is forced to congregate for a week. Which is why one young entrepreneur has been staked out hocking candidate-themed cereal to passersby.

Sparkles for Ladies

As a woman, my favorite vendor here at Trumpcon is the “Rhinestone Marketplace.”

Glittery freedom for my girls.

Irresponsible Needlepoint

There is nothing funny about alcoholism.

“Official” Merch

Inside the arena where the actual speeches take place, you’ll find about half a dozen stands selling official GOP Trump merch. It is mostly boring and bad.

It is also incredibly predictable.

Of the many ties sold at the convention, official and otherwise, there was not a single Trump-brand tie in sight. I can’t imagine why.

Puzzles of Hell

Do you want to know what your life is going to be like when you enter Hell? Finish one of these puzzles and find out!

Overpriced Boxes

A beautiful, bedazzled box to store all your dainty lady guns. Only $500.

Free Industrial Relish

Don’t have money to blow on garbage? Don’t worry! Republicans are about helping you help yourself—to more free mayonnaise. Because sometimes, my friends, freedom really is free.