Last night, your favorite Republican candidate once again got massacred by Donald Trump. It might seem like things are getting pretty dire. It’s going to be hard for you to defend your favorite Republican candidate to your co-workers at the water cooler, where you all discuss politics daily. But you really shouldn’t worry. Honestly. Your favorite Republican candidate is going to beat Donald Trump, there’s no question about it. Just listen to their campaigns!

Your Favorite Republican Candidate is: Marco Rubio

Okay. You of all people literally have nothing to worry about. It’s true that Marco Rubio has yet to win a single primary or caucus—despite that as recently as two months ago Nevada was being described as his “firewall”—but there’s been a development that you might not have heard about: It turns out the primary season hasn’t really even started yet. Said Marco today on what Washington insiders have long-called “the in-flight morning show of Air Force One,” Good Morning America:

“Yeah, I think what people need to understand about these contests between now and March 15, all of these are places that award delegates, which is how the nomination is decided,” he said on ABC’s “Good Morning America.” “It’s not decided by how many states you win, it’s decided by how many delegates you have, and it’s awarding them proportionally,” Rubio said.

“By the time you get to March 15, now you’re in some big states like Ohio and Florida that award all their delegates at once,” he explained. “That’s where you have to start winning states, and we feel very confident about where we’re going to be come March 15.”

Not only do the 23 state primaries and caucuses between now and March 15 have no bearing on the outcome of the election, but your favorite Republican candidate Marco Rubio has the most prized possession in politics, the one thing money can’t buy, momentum:

Not only will he ride the wave of voters making up their minds two days before the election on through the next 23 primaries and caucuses that don’t actually matter, but if the rest of the candidates mysteriously perish prior to March 15, Rubio might as well skip right to scouting vice presidential hopefuls.

When you go to sleep every night between now and March 15, just picture this Fox News #SpecialReport from last week.

But really, why would you even be sleeping poorly anyway?

Your Favorite Republican Candidate is: Ted Cruz

Well, frankly, it seems weird to even include you in this list, since your favorite Republican candidate came out on top last night:

Nothing tastes as good as winning feels, and boy, has the Ted Cruz campaign gotten used to winning. Unlike Marco Rubio, who is not planning on winning a primary until after the release of Pitbull’s forthcoming album Climate Change (release date TBA), your favorite Republican candidate knows he has history on his side. As he said last night:

“History teaches us that nobody has ever won the nomination without winning one of the first three primaries, and there are only two people who have won one of the first three primaries: Donald Trump and us,” he said, referencing his victory in the Iowa caucuses. “The first four states have shown, the only campaign that has beaten Donald Trump, the only campaign that can beat Donald Trump, is this campaign.”

You can’t argue with history. Ted Cruz has absorbed each of history’s lessons and uses them as his guiding light in this inevitable march to the White House. And anyway, Rubio can’t even see your man. I mean:


Go ahead and print up those “Whobio” shirts you’ve been designing. CafePress supports the modern small business owner. Look, with Jeb out, Marco thinks he’s just going to pick up the centrist vote without even trying. But if so, where them votes?

And if he has the party elites on his side then why are Mitt Romney’s old advisors talking shit about him in the Los Angeles Times like he’s the nerd all the cool kids know is lying about having been invited to Jason’s graduation party:

“To win, you have to win. And you don’t win by doing well,” said Stuart Stevens, the top strategist to Mitt Romney’s 2012 campaign.

Despite his campaign’s claims of “Marco-mentum,” it is Trump, not Rubio, who is amassing the necessary delegates. Polls show that a growing number of Republicans believe Trump will be the nominee, while Rubio continues to be most voters’ second choice.

“We’re past the point of trying to lower expectations,” said Kevin Madden, a GOP consultant and Romney’s former spokesman. “When you’ve got someone with Donald Trump’s momentum, you’ve got to start beating expectations.”

Bye bitch.

Your Favorite Republican Candidate is: Ben Carson

The doctor is in... fourth place. But it’s fine. Things are really, finally, definitely starting to happen here. Just ask him:

“I believe that things are starting to happen here,” Carson said during a speech as results for the Nevada caucuses came in.

Got it, but it seems unclear where exactly he means by “here.” I think it’s... in your stomach?

“We have a bunch of fire extinguishers, we are going to put the fire out and put the fire in our bellies,” Carson said.

It’s in your stomach. If any GOP candidate knows the inner workings of the human body, it’s Dr. Ben Carson right? And, really, he hasn’t even gotten motivated yet:

He said that he does best when people say things are “impossible” and “can’t be done.”

“Unless I hear those words I don’t even get excited,” Carson said.

Having sex with Ben Carson seems like it would be weird but that’s okay because you’re only just voting for him.

Your Favorite Republican Candidate is: John Kasich

While everyone else in the GOP field is playing checkers, John Kasich is playing, that’s right, game theory. Very classic John Kasich stuff. There was an extremely long article in (on) The New York Times (dot com) explaining how your favorite Republican candidate could fuck Marco Rubio all the way up.

Right now, it looks like we’re in the “threats” phase. Via *The* Politico:

In the memo, Kasich senior strategist John Weaver characterized Rubio’s performance in Nevada as “disappointing,” writing that Rubio delivered a disappointing return on investment for his donors and suggested that the Florida senator unlikely to improve in future contests.

“Republicans are now left to wonder whether investing in Marco Rubio is throwing good money after bad. Of the four viable candidates left in the race, Senator Rubio spent the most in New Hampshire, spent the most in South Carolina and spent the most in Nevada. The return has been dismal,” Weaver wrote.

Now, Rubio senior advisor Jason Roe did later tell CNN that your boy John “spent no resources and he got 5 percent of the vote,” but it’s like, you didn’t even try to get any votes and still got them? That’s supposed to be bad?

Anyway, John Kasich has a plan, and that plan is to win Michigan, which is a state that nobody else is actively trying to win, so how hard could it really be? “We’ll treat it like we’re running for governor,” top aide John Weaver told The Detroit News, which helpfully points out that Weaver “worked on Michigan Gov. Rick Snyder’s successful campaigns.” If there’s one thing you really want in Michigan right now it’s as many connections to Rick Snyder as possible.

And, hey, your favorite Republican candidate is in it for the long haul. Even though polls currently show Donald Trump beating John Kasich in his home state of Ohio, Kasich will not be dropping out, and in fact he’s even a bit insulted that he’s not considered the favorite:

“I’ve spent the least amount of money and am rising in the polls. I can win my home state. Why would I clear the decks for them? They ought to be consolidating around me.”

Just, whatever you do, please do not click the link to this story headlined “John Kasich: ‘I Don’t Know If My Purpose Is to Be President’.”

Your Favorite Republican Candidate is: Jim Gilmore

True love is everlasting.

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