An unfortunate reality of the holiday season is that one must obtain gifts for those they don't necessarily like. One might even hate these people. For example, Uncle Tim's new wife Shea's daughter Melody, who once said you would be pretty if you had bangs. Or your boss, Mr. Man, who has never paid you back for the all lattes you have purchased for him. Or your ex-boyfriend, Carl, whose stunted progress on his novel—about you!—ended your relationship.
These sad humans don't deserve gifts, one might think. Oh: But they do. Because gifts, as much as they can be symbols of love, can also be symbols of hate. Here are some suggestions for how to express your hate this Christmas.
A fantastic gift at a reasonable price point that keeps giving all year. Your recipient will think of you each week when the tissue of Newsweek lands with a *whisp* in his or her mailbox. So much valuable content to consume (who is Satoshi Nakamoto?), thanks to you.
This is a fun gift because it forces the recipient to at least think about going to Chili's.
John Williams is a dead author fetishized by the pretentious male élite for his stories about men discovering themselves. His books are boring. Here is the description for the John Williams book Butcher's Crossing: "John Williams dismantles the myth of the making of the American west in this tale of a Harvard dropout who seeks adventure hunting one of the last great buffalo herds, but ends up losing his innocence." Step-cousin Melody will love this, and maybe Uncle Tim will too!
Breath mints and mouthwash with unsigned note (~$10)
For your enemy with bad breath. Merry Christmas, trout mouth.
"Here are the ingredients to make yourself an ugly pile of crap. This is how much I treasure you."
Donation to a cause the recipient doesn't support in the recipient's name ($5-$25)
Tread lightly if you choose to do this one. This is not an excuse to butter the coffers of pro-life or anti-gay loonies. This is a risky, strategic move, so deploy it wisely. If you are too immature to handle it, don't do it. That said, if your chosen recipient happens to be a hunter, perhaps donate to animal rights group. Or if your recipient is a rich asshole, donate to a homeless shelter. Or if he or she is a Republican, you have it very easy.
"A useless wedge of cork for you, my sweetest enemy."
This will be released eventually. What a great gift for someone you hate: a horrorshow preserved on outdated technology.
A great gift for someone you hate, because kombucha is disgusting and was trendy for five minutes four years ago, and who the fuck wants to babysit an odorous batch of the mother culture when if you absolutely must have some you can buy it? Make it crystal-clear to the giftee that they most procure their own jars for brewing.
Amid all this shopping, don't forget to buy something nice for your best friend—yourself. Happy holidays!