Introducing a powerful new economic indicator: the Lube Crude Index (LCI). Today, a 55-gallon barrel of Passion Natural Water-Based Lubricant, “the ultimate lube keg,” is purchasable for $1,175.82 on Amazon, with free shipping. Meanwhile, a standard barrel of crude oil costs $31.78. Today, the LCI is 28.25.
With the price of oil in decline, Americans looking to fill their gas tanks may be celebrating, but oil-producing countries and other members of the global economy are worried. Venezuela, for instance, is so fucked, despite its large reserves. Clearly, we need a method of tracking these ongoing developments in the market—and one that simultaneously takes into account the price of an all-natural jelly used to make sexual penetration more pleasantly frictionless. Enter the LCI.
Simply, the LCI measures the difference in price between barrel of lube and a barrel of crude. Adjusted to match the volume of a 42-gallon oil barrel, the 55-gallon lube keg (plus free lube keg pump) costs $897.90—28.25 times as much as a barrel of oil.
Oil’s highest recent peak came in 2008, at about $145 per barrel, or about one-sixth the value of a current-day lube barrel (historic lube prices only being available from as early as 2011), before its value tanked during the financial crisis. In other words, the price of lube is always significantly higher—it is the much more vital natural resource of the pair, after all, and presumably requires some sort of refining and manufacturing process, whereas crude is basically straight out of the ground.
The LCI reached its most historic low in 2014, not because of a jump in the oil market, but because of a sudden and historic dip in the price of lube, which cost just $200 per barrel for a brief period that year, perhaps due to some sort of one-day sale. Currently, thanks to cheap oil, we are seeing the highest LCI ever recorded.
There’s no telling what economic secrets the LCI might unveil, or where it may go next. There are only two 55-gallon drums of Passion Natural Water-Based Lubricant currently in stock on Amazon. Supply-and-demand dictates that if one of them is purchased, the LCI may soon go skyrocketing. Stay tuned.