Paranoid Martha Stewart Rips Out Roses So Thorns Can't Nick Grandkids
The people of Boston are currently holed up in their homes as authorities canvas the area for a suspect considered "armed and extremely dangerous." Meanwhile, Martha Stewart is working frantically to protect her grandchildren from an even more sinister enemy: flowers.
Friday morning, while much of the nation was glued to the coverage of the marathon bomber manhunt, Stewart updated her personal blog with a post titled "Digging up the Many, Many Roses at my Home in East Hampton." In it, she reveals for the first time the hidden disadvantage of owning an exquisite home, the lush gardens of which are populated by "many, many roses":
The roses can attack your grandchildren.
After 20 years of meticulously tending to her treasured flower babies—the ones that are "highly prized for their dense petal formations and fabulous fragrances"—Stewart is being forced to rip them out. Because they might hurt her daughter Alexis' less treasured human babies.
"Now that I have grandchildren running around, Alexis and I feel that having a yard full of thorny roses isn't very child friendly..."
It's unclear exactly what harm the ladies Stewart fear will befall Jude, 2, and Truman, 1, if roses are allowed to flourish on Martha's East Hampton property. Will the children somehow impale themselves on the roses? Will the roses shoot off their thorns like projectiles, blanketing the children with a hail of thornfire as they totter around the stately grounds? Will the roses attempt to sell the children drugs? Why are the children and the roses unable to coexist peacefully, as they have done for thousands of years?
Fortunately for rose apologists, Stewart does not plan to burn the rose bushes in the world's most elegant bonfire. She'll be replanting them at her farm in Katonah, New York.
Where children, presumably, are banned.