Introducing the Fox News Class of 2013
The human resources department at Fox News has certainly been busy the last few weeks. After dumping former Bill Clinton campaign manager-cum-conservative blowhard Dick Morris and Real Housewife of Wasilla Sarah Palin, Fox has signed on a slate of brand new contributors to wax political on the news of the day. Let's get to know them.
Fox News announced today that it was adding Herman Cain to its panel of contributors. Cain is of course the former Republican presidential hopeful, whose campaign was derailed by numerous accusations of sexual harassment and extra-marital affairs; as well as, you know, some completely unrealistic ideas about our tax codes. But before any of that, Cain was the CEO of Godfather's Pizza for a solid decade.
Activities: Slap and tickle, founder of Cain TV
Quote: "Life can be a challenge, life can seem impossible, but it's never easy when there's so much on the line." - Pokémon: The Movie 2000
Brown served less than three years as a senator from Massachusetts, elected following the death of Sen. Ted Kennedy. He lost his seat last November to Elizabeth Warren. Brown was widely expected to run again for Senate, this time to fill the seat vacated after John Kerry's confirmation as Secretary of State. Instead, Brown was hired by Fox News as a contributor; he made his first appearance during Hannity on Wednesday night to address President Obama's State of the Union.
Activities: Nude modeling, drunk tweeting
Quote: "Bqhatevwr" - Scott Brown
Kucinich marks Fox News' other "token hire." Before redistricting forced Brown and Rep. Marcy Kaptur to compete in a primary — which Kucinich lost — he served as a Democratic Congressman representing Ohio from 1997 until this year. Kucinich was also a candidate for president in 2004 and 2008 and 2016, probably. His job at Fox will essentially be the equivalent of punching bag.
Activities Running for president, avoiding olives
Quote "I am suspending my campaign for president, effective today." - Dennis Kucinich
Erickson left a job at CNN to come to America's "fair and balanced" cable news network. He held elective office for apx. thirty seconds there in the late aughts as a Macon, Ga. city councilor, however he resigned his office in 2011 to pursue a career as a media whore. While in office, Erickson threatened to dissolve the city's police department when officers tried to unionize. He is also the managing editor of RedState.com.
Activities: Selling endorsements, griping about paying taxes
Quote: "Turned on Twitter today and there was a barrage of angry feminists upset with me telling them to get in the kitchen and learn to cook." - Erick Erickson
Though it may not be immediately obvious, each of these four new hires has something in common. They all represent extremes of their political party. Cain, Brown and Erickson all have ties to the Tea Party and Kucinich was often referred to as the most liberal member of Congress.
Let's all give a warm welcome to the freshman class of Fox News. Keep the hazing to a minimum.