Susan Orlean's classic Esquire article, "The American Male at Age Ten," opens with the titular boy's description of what Susan Orlean's life would be like if the two were married. They would "both be good at Nintendo Street Fighter II, but Colin would be better." They wouldn't have sex—just crushes—and "magically, babies would appear." For fun, they "would load a slingshot with dog food" and aim it at Orlean's butt.

Wednesday night Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez skipped a fancy family dinner on the Upper East Side to go to Dave & Buster's.

Page Six reports that guests at the dinner included Bieber's grandparents (gag), his sister (barf-brain), and "about 30 friends" (not my friends). Bieber and Selena were to join everyone at the restaurant Philippe for a celebratory meal following Justin's sold-out concert at Madison Square Garden.

Instead, they ducked out for some clutch fun-age. At Dave & Buster's, the duo reportedly "played a bunch of games," went for a ride on an indoor roller coaster, and never did homework ever again!

After they left Chuck E. Cheese, Bieber and Selena returned to the Trump SoHo Hotel, where they are both staying because they are millionaires, and made love.

[Page Six // Image via AP]