It's Thanksgiving, and you promised your friends and family that you'd cook something. But in preparation for seeing your friends and family, you've already started to drink. A lot. No worries — we've got five great recipes designed for the already drunk.

Mashed Potatoes

Serves, probably, enough.
1. Open a beer.
2. Place potatoes in pot of water.
3. Have another beer. Is Football on yet? Check to see if Football is on.
4. Check potatoes. Turn on stove to boil water.
5. Maybe Football is on now? Also, where is your beer?
6. Open another beer.
7. Remove potatoes and place in bowl.
8. Mash potatoes. Thanksgiving tip: With a fork, or whatever.
9. Find your half-drunk beer from before. Melt stick of butter.
10. Pour butter over mashed potatoes. Serve quickly.

Cranberry Sauce

Serves four, I guess. No... eight. I don't know.
1. Open a beer.
2. Is this, like — do you need real cranberries?
3. Have you ever seen how cranberries are grown? In a lake, basically. Crazy shit.
4. Do you really need cranberry sauce? No, right?
5. Open another beer. Do not serve.

Pumpkin Pie

1. Open a beer.
2. Remove pre-made pie crust from refrigerator.
3. Remove canned pumpkin filling from refrigerator.
4. Pre-heat the oven to, I want to say, 350. Thanksgiving tip: call your mom and ask her.
5. Put the filling inside the pie crust. Place in oven.
6. Remove from oven later, when you remember. Serve with ice cream that's been in the freezer for months.


Serves four or five or six or whatever.
1. Open a beer.
2. What is stuffing even made out of? Bread? It's like, soft bread, right?
3. And something else. Gravy? Vegetables? Vegetables, probably.
4. Google "stuffing."
5. What time are you supposed to be at your aunt's house? An hour?
6. Find some bread and tear into pieces. Place pieces in bowl.
7. Get another beer.
8. Find some vegetables. Cook them. On the stove, I guess.
9. How are you even getting to your aunt's house? Can you drive, at this point?
10. Pour the contents of your skillet on top of your bread pieces. Thanksgiving tip: transfer to baking dish to look more Thanksgiving-y.
11. Call your aunt and tell her that something's come up at work.
12. Take a nap. Serve to dog, if he'll eat it.


Serves everyone, hopefully. Is anyone even there?
1. Open a beer.
2. Ohhhh, man.
3. Call Boston Market. Serve whenever they can get the Turkey to you.