Let's get a few things straight right off the bat. Number ONE, the "Millennial" generation is the best generation, because they are currently the most fuckable-looking, and therefore their every whim and desire must be obsequiously catered to by the corporate forces seeking to exploit their "cool" factor for profit; Number TWO, all food must be recast in the image of whatever a corporation imagines the Millennial Image to be; and Number THREE, soup is great, mmmm, soup. We must have some Campbell's Millennial Soup.

And it is our lucky millennium! We were informed via press release just this morning that Campbell's newest line of soups is " an 'uncanned' approach for a younger generation – and everything from the adventurous, globally-inspired flavors to the packing itself was developed authentically with and for Millennials." Why, just look at this vaguely Tumblr-inspired website they have! When a millennial thinks "soup I want to eat," they think "whichever brand has a website featuring jokes such as 'How to Cross a Street: Date Its Ex.'" That is just the type of brash and edgy twist of an answer that would enrage the stodgy older generation.

And because Millennials don't go in for all that bullshit corporate advertising bullshit, Campbell's arranged an authentic "Communal Table" of real live Millennials here in New York to sit around some table eating a bunch of Campbell's soup and "enjoy two things Millennials love – great tasting food and lively conversation." What, I wonder, did this New York crop of soupy Millennials, including but not limited to "creators of popular dining website Immaculate Infatuation, Andrew Steinthal and Chris Stang" and "well-known DJ Mick Boogie," talk about yesterday, as they sat awkwardly around a table, surrounded by Campbell's Corp. PR personnel?

MILLENNIAL ONE: Man, the bold, adventurous flavors in this bowl of Campbell's Go™-brand Creamy Red Pepper with Smoked Gouda make me feel like I'm enjoying the Millennial pastime of eating from food trucks—but right out of this fucking can. Thank god the "DIY" ethos so prized by my generation has been co-opted by a massive corporation, for which I am now serving as a walking symbol of obfuscation!


"In many ways, these soups were made for Millennials by Millennials," says a Campbell's PR person writing a quote attributable to Darren Serrao, Vice President Innovation and Business Development, Campbell Soup Company.

Fuck you Millennials. Look what you did.