Us Weekly does not wish to alarm Taylor Swift, but let's just say she better get used to requesting "Table for one, please," because she will definitely be alone for ever.

"WHY CAN'T SHE FIND LOVE," the magazine wails on this week's cover, beating its breast as it breaks down in tears.

Actually, Taylor Swift did have love once, according to the article. A beautiful, pure love—the kind of love everyone hopes to experience—where things started fine and then "got weird."

Yes, according to "a source," a couple years ago, Swift dated a Nashville college student.

A "completely un-famous" Nashville college student.

A college student whose name was never read over the radio in the daily list of birthdays. A college student who never appeared in the blurry background of a local newscast. A college student who I think was in my Psych 113 recitation oh nvm I'm thinking of someone else.

According to the source, Swift's friends "were proud of her for trying to date a normal dude," in that way that your friends are proud of you when you set low expectations for yourself, and then satisfy them. ("I heard you tried a new appetizer at Applebee's and didn't like it. I'm so proud of you for trying.")

The friends were also said to be pleased that Taylor was trying to integrate herself into the local college scene "like someone her age would be doing": flashing a fake at bouncers, dressing up for the Hotel Party at Kappa Sig, etc.

Unfortunately, Swift made the mistake of choosing, for her unremarkable beau, a boy with friends—"fame-obsessed" friends. The worst kind of friends to have after youth-obsessed witch friends. The fame obsessed friends reportedly started texting Taylor, eagerly seeking her fame, and that is when things "got weird."

According to the source, the reason the singer remains alone, as she will be in perpetuity, is because she spends all her time "analyzing love like a scientist," testing text-me-back hypotheses, co-authoring dense papers, and giving guest lectures at small liberal arts colleges around the U.S. and Canada.

According to the friend, Taylor should spend more time "just feeling it."

No man wants a brilliant scientist.

[Us Weekly // Image via Getty]