What did you do this weekend? Go apple picking with your fiancée? Put up Halloween decorations with your kids? Make squash soup because it sounds like something The New You would do?

Lindsay Lohan reportedly evaded an intervention by calling the cops on her dad, sought a restraining order against her father, escaped hit-and-run charges, and began (or stopped) dating a former male cheerleader.

Time to curl up in your coziest latex leggings, grab a Red Bull, then another Red Bull, then another Red Bull, then another Red Bull, and get all caught up on the life of Hollywood's most exhausting asthmatic.

This weekend's scandals kicked off on Thursday, when author and Paris Hilton apologist Bret Easton Ellis posted a tweet apparently accusing Lindsay Lohan of shirking post-production duties for her new porn The Canyons, the screenplay of which he wrote. (For the non-childstars: "ADR" stands for Automated Dialogue Replacement, or "dubbing.")

A representative for Lohan told E! News that the dubbing session had been rescheduled to allow the actress to promote her upcoming Lifetime film Liz & Dick. Canyons producer Braxton Pope said that the tweet was an "inside joke between us all that has been misconstrued."

If you are skeptical of this explanation, that's yet another thing you and Michael Lohan have in common. The next day, he staged an intervention at Lindsay's Beverly Hills home, telling TMZ his daughter was surrounding herself with "a bunch of alcoholics and drug addicts" (these ones outside of the Lohan family):

"She's around all the wrong people…This guy Klaus…the stylist she has…"

Things didn't go well, because no one interventions Baby in a corner. A man claiming to be Lindsay's "boyfriend" (more on him later) told Michael and his band of merry interveners to leave. Lindsay called the police to report that Michael was trespassing.

On Sunday, it was reported that Lindsay was planning to seek an order of protection against her father.

As of Monday, Michael is said to be seeking a conservatorship for his daughter, similar to the one put in place for Britney Spears. According to TMZ he plans to ask a judge to appoint someone other than himself or Lindsay's mother Dina as his daughter's conservator, presumably because he wants an adult capable of raising a child to raise his adult child.

Moving along to happier news (the kind of news that demands a round of celebratory shots followed by a drive straight home), it was announced Monday that Lindsay will not be charged for an alleged New York City hit-and-run that occurred around 2:30 a.m. on September 19th.

A Jersey City man claims Lohan injured him with her Porsche while pulling away from a hotel, though surveillance footage shows no such collision. (Not helping the guy's case is the fact that, while he claims to have suffered a knee injury, video shows him sprinting quickly after her car.)

But restaurant worker Jose Rodriguez, 34, reportedly isn't the only man in Lohan's life as of late.

A Los Angeles fitness trainer (and former member of the University of Louisiana Lafayette Ragin' Cajuns cheerleading squad) swore up and down to the New York Daily News that he and Lindsay are dating. This guy, who will not be getting a Google Alert for this post you are reading, claims he is the one who answered during Michael Lohan's foiled intervention attempt.

He also said lots of couple-y things like "I want us to be okay," and claims to be the most positive force on Lindsay's life (pray for her):

"I think I'm the best influence on her. The deal is she is surrounded by a bunch of fuck-ups."

While this clown does count Lindsay's brother Michael among his Twitter followers, Lindsay Lohan does not follow him back. (Though, in September, Lindsay announced that she would "FOLLOW&DM" "4 people PER MONTH" "for a specific amount of time" on Twitter, so maybe he'll get a follow-back one of these days.)

On Friday, Lindsay tweeted that she did not have a boyfriend: only expensive things.

[TMZ // NYDN // Image via Getty]