Well, oh boy, everyone turn on your televisions, they've announced the Nobel Peace Prize. Silence, please. And the winner is: "The European Union." Man, the Nobel Peace Prize has really "jumped the snark."

The European Union? Really? *Gives sweeping hand/ shoulder shrugging motion in the manner of Jerry Seinfeld* Let's be clear about what the Nobel Peace Prize's value really is: PR. It has massive PR value. It draws headlines around the world (justified or not). Therefore it should be awarded to a person (A PERSON) representing a cause (a GOOD cause) that will greatly benefit from all the attention, or who will have a lifetime of struggle against oppression vindicated by such an award.

The European Union is not a person. It is a conference room. The EU's acceptance speech will be like Clint Eastwood's convention speech without the dramatic flair. This is the boringest Nobel Peace Prize since ever. I have thoroughly reviewed all past Nobel Peace Prize winners, by scanning Wikipedia, and none is as boring as "The European Union." Yes, they have given the prize to organizations many times before, but either they gave it to the organization and its human face, like the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change and Al Gore in 2007, or they gave it to an organization that is fundamentally good and doing plainly evident good moral things, like the International Physicians for the Prevention of Nuclear War or UNICEF, so even if you secretly thought the selection was kind of boring your conscience would still say "Well, hey, whoa now, gotta admit they're doing some worthwhile things there, gotta write that ol' $50 check at Christmas time, they may not have the sizzle but they sure do have the steak, Peacefully speaking."

But the EU will not inspire any citizens of the world to do anything, because the EU is just a big bureaucratic multinational organization, which misses the point of the Nobel Peace Prize, as formulated by the website you are now reading. It doesn't matter if the EU does useful things that prevent harm. You know who else does useful things that prevent harm? The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration. A car seatbelt. The rubberized mat that you put in the shower so that grandma doesn't fall. But we will not be giving them the Nobel Peace Prize because they are boring okay???? Examples of good Nobel Peace Prizes: Albert Schweitzer, Martin Luther King Jr., Desmond Tutu. Examples of bad Nobel Peace Prizes: The European Union, a child safety seat (hypothetically). I mean it's not as embarrassing as giving it to Barack Obama in 2009 before he even got the chance to get his international drone assassination program going, or to legitimate villain Henry Kissinger in 1973, but it is more boring.

Europe is not even that fucked up, relatively speaking. What a waste.

You are completely squandering the inherent PR value of your fucking prize, Nobel Committee. Get your shit together.

[Photo: AP]