Ridiculous Costumes for Irritating People: The 'Pretty Zombie'
As of today, we are less than three weeks away from that night when the wretched souls of the dead stalk the living, rattling their miserable chains and demanding restitution in the form of blood or miniaturized versions of popular candy bars. Time to start rolling out Halloween costumes.
On Wednesday, the website of Silicon Valley D.I.Y. powerhouse Brit Morin (the Google girl whose millionaire "Facebook playboy" boyfriend spelled out his proposal to her on a beach in the Maldives, then flew her overhead in a private plane to read it) stepped up to remind everyone that just because you're putting a little bit of effort into your costume, it doesn't have to look like you've put any effort into it or, indeed, are wearing a costume at all.
For those not familiar, the how-to posts on Brit + Co. frequently come across like devastating parodies of Sandra Lee's wackest hits; Lee's infamous Kwanzaa cake pales in comparison to Morin's "Christmas Tree Cheese," which is prepared by alternately squirting or sprinkling honey, chives, and peppercorns over a triangular block of parmesan cheese into which a huge stick of cinnamon has already been inserted. A piece of bell pepper cut into a star shape and attached with yet more honey represents the star of Bethlehem, guiding wise men and shepherds to the cheese triangle. This assemblage is billed as "great with bread or crackers."
Now, from the minds behind mailing a waterbottle full of trash to your family on Christmas, a costume for anyone who is not super short on time but who is zero fun: The Pretty Zombie.
Here are the steps:
- Apply primer to your face, as you would if you were applying normal make-up, because that's all you're doing, is applying normal make-up.
- Apply a foundation that is one shade lighter than your natural skin. WHOA WHO'S THAT DEAD GIRL? It's you.
- Instead of applying brown bronzer, as you normally would, apply gray bronzer (eyeshadow). Do NOT skip this step, as it constitutes almost the entirety of your costume.
- Add "a touch of brightening powder" over the gray "to soften the look." Dial that grey back. Dial it way, way back.
- Brush your eyelids with a couple neutral shades of shadow. Start with something "vanilla-like" on the inner eyelid, moving to "beige" on the outer. Don't be afraid to get really crazy here, experimenting with the rainbow spectrum of beige—it's Halloween—but don't get really crazy.
- Use an espresso shade to give yourself a great smoky eye. Above all, keep it subtle. You want to look dead, not like you're from Jersey.
- Use eyeliner and mascara to help give your lashes "a fuller look."
- Line your bottom lash with red lip liner. The tutorial suggests using a lip liner that one commenter later pointed out is not eye safe and could lead to eye irritation or even vision loss. Follow your heart on this one. (You can't follow your eyes because you are blind now.)
- Put red lipstick on.
Now you are a Pretty Zombie. When people ask you how you died (they won't, because they won't realize you are a zombie), tell them you were bored to death.