Bullshit List Says Washington, DC Is Not America's Hipness Capital (Yeah Right)
Any hip motherfucker worth his titanium hip knows that our nation's capital, Washington, DC, is also our nation's hipness capital, thanks to the young, hip vibe that permeates the city's air like the stench of a half-eaten half-smoke resting in the gutter outside of an upscale Half-Smoke Lounge that harkens back to DC's "gritty" old days, with $18 half-smokes.
Forbes.com, America's leading chronicle of hipness, next to The Financial Times, released a list of America's Hippest Hipster Neighborhoods. What a waste of time—just an alphabetical list of every neighborhood in DC, right? WRONG. Forbes ranked DC's "H Street Corridor" a shocking sixth place (!!!) on the so-called "list" of "neighborhoods" (didn't even say "hood," major flaw).
The proper response would be for DC residents to burn down the entire "H Street Corridor" in a protest reenactment of the 1968 riots, this time conducted in a far more whimsical fashion, with free Molotov cocktails (Hendricks gin, orange bitters, kerosene) sponsored by THE POLITICO. Instead, all we get is a rather meek and mild half-ironic protest story conjured up by the Washington Post's Hipness Desk, in which they meekly mewl "Actual hipsters, by definition, should be so ahead of the curve that they've already moved beyond H Street."
Hey, Washington Post Hipness Desk staffers and editorial management all the way to The Top: Get your fucking shit together. You people are upholding a grand and proud tradition of writing about Washington DC's hipness. That's not something to be taken lightly. Such an affront as being declared only sixth-most-hip by Forbes.com demands a FULL THROATED EDITORIAL ROAR, not some half-hearted ironic handwaving and a reader poll which includes a fictional DC neighborhood called "NoMa," which clearly is not a neighborhood that exists, in Washington DC.
The point is Washington, DC is hip. If their own award-winning news organ won't ejaculate ecstatically over that settled fact, then we will.