Devil-tinted big box retailer Target has one great competitor that keeps its executives awake at night. No, not Wal-Mart—Amazon. It's Amazon that is poised to become the amorphous online "big box" of the future, leaving today's big, concrete boxes in a perilous position. But Target has a plan to save itself: it will give all of its customers an AMAZING shopping experience.

How? By torturing its workers with Disneyesque corporate brainwashing.

A source at Target has provided us—and you!—with these internal training materials that the company is using to roll out its hilariously childish "Welcome to Amazing" program. Again, to recap the importance of this: Target plans to beat back the existential threat of Amazon and online retailing by motivating its staff to produce "Amazing guest service" with the following kindergartenesque script. Seems like a foolproof plan. As a source at Target tells us, "Our number one competitor is Amazon right now, and not Walmart. To differentiate ourselves, we are focusing entirely on guest experience...They are really making a big deal about using the word AMAZING. I'm not amazed."

Click on the images below to enlarge.

Wait for the audience's "Yeah!"