Earlier this week, a 35-year-old man was arrested because he wasn't able to eat fake money very quickly. Technically, he was arrested for trying to buy French fries with a counterfeit $50 bill, then attempting to eat $1,200 in bogus fifties (twenty-four bills) before security officers detained him.
Unfortunately for Larry Jones, security officers were able to retrieve the bills from his mouth before they were swallowed, masticated, or otherwise destroyed.
Jones has been charged with not one but two felonies: criminal possession of a forged instrument and tampering with physical evidence.
To help you avoid a similar fate, here is the Gawker Guide to Eating Fake Money Very Quickly:
- Water your greens.
As anyone who has ever watched and then felt sick from watching a hotdog eating contest can attest, the most valuable ingredient in any sort of eating challenge is water.
Just as you can't make an omelet without breaking a few eggs, so can you not swallow twenty-four counterfeit bills very quickly without chugging a whole lot of water.
Consider bringing a large pitcher of water with you when you go up to use your counterfeit bills. If it looks like the jig is up, dump all the bills into the water IMMEDIATELY. Leave them in there as long as the situation permits, so they can soak up as much liquid as possible. Then start shoveling them down. If you feel like you're going to throw up, don't throw up, and instead keep eating the fake money. Intersperse your eating with large gulps of water to keep your throat lubricated and as a boon to overall health.
- Throw some hot sauce on that cheddar.
Let's say you don't have any water. Maybe that's what you were trying to buy with the counterfeit money. Not a problem. Many concession stands offer small bottles of hot sauce for public consumption. If you get caught trying to use fake money at a concession stand, as Larry Jones did, simply begin dousing your bills with hot sauce. I could eat just about anything if it was covered in hot sauce—umnumnum—so this would be kind of a treat for me. After you have eaten all your spicy bills, grab some napkins and douse those in hot sauce as well. Now you have made a free snack for later.
- Put it in ice trays and freeze it and make money ice cubes.
What's easier to eat than ice cubes? They practically melt in your mouth. Unfortunately, the counterfeit bills themselves will not melt along with the ice cubes, leaving you with a mouthful of paper and a future full of jail time. It's not clear how freezing the bills would help in your quest to eat counterfeit money very quickly, but it's hard to deny it would be a crowd pleaser at elegant parties where iced drinks are served. (Kentucky Derby Parties, etc.)
- Print on an edible medium, like Fruit Roll-Ups.
Even if the cashier refuses to accept your fake money, you've got a pocketful of delicious Fruit Roll-Ups. Americans should stick to Screamin' Green Fruit Roll-Ups, though counterfeiters in the Eurozone should feel free to experiment with other flavors.
- Pre-rip the bills into very small pieces.
You most likely will not be able to spend the counterfeit money this way, but it will definitely be easier to eat. If you have time to prepare tacos, use the shredded bills as a garnish.
Have you ever successfully eaten money (or any valuable paper like a birth certificate, deed, or will? Share your tips below.