Though storms may come and mouths may run, rest assured, America: there is enough Ranch dressing in place, in easily accessed pump dispensers, to serve all of this great nation's delegates at the 2012 Republican National Convention.

Day two is when the real action starts. And I don't know how they do things in Pak-ee-stan, but around here, you don't go to the culture war without the proper tools. (Ranch dressing.)

It's true, day one of the convention was a washout. But now you have thousands and thousands of journalists and delegates and political functionaries of all stripes just "chomping at the bit" to "get this show on the road," if by "bit" you mean "steak" and by "this show" you mean "at an expensive steakhouse dinner charged to an employer's expense account." The fact that the GOP got the whole day off on Monday means that there are NO EXCUSES for anything to be less than perfect tomorrow when l'affaire du homogeneity kicks off tomorrow. All essential elements, I can assure you as a journalistic witness, are in place.

Not only ranch dressing dispensers, but balloons.

And a telephone from which any Alabama can use the "phone a friend" lifeline, right from their floor seats. (Their friends, unfortunately, are Republicans in Alabama, so the lifeline's value is questionable.)

Welp I guess they're doggone ready. What the hell else do you need, for some real down home conventioneering? Oh, right: speakers. I invite you to take a few moments to digest this lineup of heavy hitters that will begin ruthlessly kicking the ass of liberalism at precisely 2 p.m. today for hours and hours and hours in a row:

2:00 p.m. Chairman of the RNC Reince Priebus
Color Guard Knights of Columbus
Pledge of Allegiance by Former Governor Tim Babcock (MT)/Tom Hogan (FL)
National Anthem sung by Philip Alongi
Invocation by Rabbi Meir Soloveichik
Opening procedural steps, appointment of convention committees
Welcoming remarks, and House and Senate candidates and RNC auxiliaries
RNC Chairman Priebus
RNC Co-Chairman Sharon Day
Tampa Mayor Bob Buckhorn
Convention Chief Executive Officer William Harris
Chairman of Tampa Bay Host Committee Al Austin
Republican Congressional Candidates
State Delegate Barbara Comstock (VA)
Representative Tim Griffin (AR)
Republican Senate Candidates
Republican National Committee auxiliaries
Consideration of convention committee reports
RNC Chairman Reince Priebus
Committee on Credentials Chairman Mike Duncan
Committee on Permanent Organization Chairwoman Zoraida Fonalledas
Convention Permanent Chairman Speaker John Boehner, Presiding
Official Convention Photograph
Committee on Rules Chairman John Sununu
Committee on Resolutions Chairman Governor Bob McDonnell
Committee on Resolutions Co-Chairman U.S. Senator John Hoeven
Committee on Resolutions Co-Chairman U.S. Rep. Marsha Blackburn

AND THAT'S ALL BEFORE DINNER. Looks like we have an Expendables-level-of-action-packed motherfucking day ahead, my politically concerned friends. Somebody pass me the ranch dressing pump dispenser. I'm hungry—for the flavor of America.

(Ranch dressing.) (And some strychnine would be great.)