In the most American thing to ever happen, comedian Rosie O'Donnell suffered a massive heart attack last week after struggling to help "an enormous woman" out of her car in a parking lot. She then saved herself using a tip she remembered from TV commercials.

O'Donnell, 50, described the trauma in a signature text-speak prose poem on her blog.

Things kicked off when a bossy fat lady, who probably now wishes she had not told her friends that charming story about how she met Rosie O'Donnell in a parking lot, demanded the comedian help her from her vehicle.

while walking in a parking lot in nyack
i heard a loud commanding voice

"can u help me"

more of a demand than request
a challenge – a plea
i turned and saw an enormous woman
struggling to get out of her car

she was stuck

"can u help me? she asked again
as i walked toward her
"oh u r rosie odonnell"
yes i am

Hours after helping the woman, whom O'Donnell describes as her "Ghost of Christmas future," (though her body type sounds more reminiscent of the Ghost of Christmas present), O'Donnell writes that she began to feel achy, sore, and bruised all over.

i became nauseous
my skin was clammy
i was very very hot
i threw up

Despite feeling ill, O'Donnell never called 911. Instead, she performed a Google search for "womens [sic] heart attack symptoms" and popped some Bayer aspirin, as TV commercials had instructed her to do.

The next day, O'Donnell visited her doctor and learned that her coronary artery was 99 percent blocked. She was rushed to the hospital where a stent was inserted.

they call this type of heart attack
the Widow maker
i am lucky to be here

O'Donnell said it is "a miracle" that she is still alive. Her publicist reported to People that she is resting comfortably at home, and "very, very lucky."

Earlier this month, O'Donnell revealed that her fiancée Michelle Rounds had been diagnosed with desmoids tumors, an extremely rare, sometimes fatal disease.

She ended Monday's blog post with a plea that women who believe they are suffering a heart attack call 911.

The unspoken advice: never help a stranger.

[Rosie O'Donell // Image via Getty]