The Whole World's a Sex Dungeon for Kristen Stewart and Her Married Human Lover [Update]
Ed. Note: Unfortunately, we were asked to take down the photographs which originally ran with this story. However, since the way Caity's story is constructed requires corresponding images in order for it to make any sort of sense, we've just made Jim Cooke illustrate the ones we originally used. He's very disappointed with the results because he was rushed and insisted we say 'Bad Drawings by Jim Cooke.' But instead we will acknowledge his heroic patience and say that we think his renderings are better than the original photographs taken by some slimy paparazzi person hiding in a tree anyway.
Earlier this week, the world was shocked to discover that Kristen Stewart, the girl it was dating, had been stepping out on it in secret with an older man: the married-with-kids director of her film Snow White and the Huntsman, which received mixed-to-positive reviews.
Now comes the deluge of pictures.
Having inhabited a body myself for many years, I am considered, by many, to be something of a "body language expert."
On that note, please join me as I guide you through a series of photos of the illicit affair in action.
In this image, Kristen Stewart appears to be walking, either forwards or backwards, or perhaps merely raising her leg in place. She's lifting up her wife beater to get some air under there, so we know her stomach is a very hot place — possibly the same temperature as a dark spot on the sun, though there's no way to tell just from photos.
She is wearing her sweatpants very low, with no belt, to tie herself, visually, into United States prison culture.
Prison garb does not permit the wearing of belts, out of concern inmates will use them to assist in suicide.
Wow, okay, wow. In this shot, Kristen Stewart and Rupert Sanders appear to be involved in some sort of role-playing game in which they imagine they are two teens in an urban mall food court.
We can tell from their grinding that they are probably not new acquaintances or family members.
It also looks a little like Kristen Stewart might be stepping on Rupert Sanders' foot, which is rude, but he's probably focused on either her ass rocking back into his crotch, or her boiling hot stomach.
The body language in this picture is saying "Hello, I am having an affair."
Kristen Stewart is holding a giant baseball cap, which Us Weekly says belongs to her other boyfriend, Robert Pattinson, making this picture extra cold.
Rupert Sanders is probably whispering something sexy in her ear like, "I love how small your head looks in that hat."
This is the first time Kristen Stewart has ever been captured smiling in any photograph, ever.
One thing that babies and newly-in-love couples have in common is an obsession with hands. Another thing is that they love suckin' on boobies.
In this photo, Kristen Stewart is tenderly stroking Rupert Sanders' hand, perhaps wondering how so strange an appendage (it's like a sea anemone) could be featured on the body of so perfect a lover.
Her hair's really flying in this picture. Are they simulating fucking? Body language expert says: Yes.
Both Kristen Stewart and Rupert Sanders are trying to do a cool tough-guy pose in this shot.
Rupert Sanders attempts to lean super casually against the scenic weed-choked overpass bridge, but just ends up looking sort of awkward. Kristen Stewart is really nailing her pose, right down to the casual lick lip while staring into the near distance.
This picture tells us that this is a relationship with two Dannys and no Sandys. Everybody trying to be Travolta.
Are Kristen Stewart and Rupert Sanders gay? Body language expert says: Yes.
Now Kristen Stewart and Rupert Sanders are straight-up making out in a car, which is the most affair-ish thing you can do with another human being. Seconds after this picture was taken, Rupert Sanders begged Kristen Stewart to drive away because he kept hearing a weird scraping noise against the doors of the car. When Kristen Stewart and Rupert Sanders arrived home, they discovered a bloody hook hanging from the driver's side handle and realized that life is very fragile.
But before that happened, it was time for Feats of Strength. Here, Kristen Stewart makes a bold play to establish dominance, flexing a monstrous muscle to show Rupert Sanders she could knock him out one handed if ever he crossed her.
She is, if not the man in this relationship, certainly the bro. She is literally both in the driver's seat and wearing the [baggy sweat]pants.
Rupert Sanders' role has been reduced to that of a Teresa Giudice, fawning over her Juicy Joe.
Rupert Sanders has his eyes closed here and it looks like he's going in for a kiss. Body language expert says: everybody stop kissing everybody because if this is what we look like when we do it, that is dumb and embarrassing for us.
Spotted! The weird thing is neither Kristen Stewart nor Rupert Sanders seems all that bothered. He's got a little giggle going. Her look is one of extremely mild annoyance.
Maybe they thought they were being photographed by a pervert because they were making out in a car.
(In reality, they were being photographed by a pervert because they are famous and making out in a car.)
[Bad drawings by Jim Cooke]