It's Independence Day, and it's time to start barbecuing. But you're a miserable failure, and you've already gotten wasted. How will you grill? Don't worry. Chill out. We've got you covered.

Lighting the Grill

1. Locate your grill. Do you even have a grill? You live in an apartment.
2. The roof, maybe?
3. Ask your roommate if you have a grill.
4. The grill is on the roof.
5. Get your roommate to drive to the store to buy charcoal briquettes. Grillmaster's Tip: to make this step easier, tell your roommate you will drive drunk and die if she doesn't go buy briquettes.
6. Put on Bones. Fall asleep.
7. When you wake up, your roommate and boyfriend will have lit the grill already.


Serves... how many patties do you have? Six? Six.
1. Remove pre-formed patties from supermarket packaging.
2. Where's the music? There's no music playing. Someone should play music.
3. Yell for your roommate.
4. Look at the patties for a while. What part of the beef is that? The cow. Probably from the leg part.
5. Take out your phone. Find "Glad You Came" by The Wanted. Grillmaster's Tip: Don't have a song in your library? Look for it on YouTube. It's totally free!
6. Does your roommate even care about grilling? Where did she go?
7. Yo, if she's not even going to be up here, you should, just, instead of six burgers.
8. Mash all of the patties together. Into, like, a flat egg?
9. Place it on the grill.
10. Put "Glad You Came" on again. This is so summer, man. This rules.
11. Flip the burger once every when you remember.
12. When your roommate returns, tell her you don't know what happened. Serve while apologizing.

Corn on the Cob

Serves who knows.
1. Shuck the corn.
2. Actually, nah. Don't bother.
3. Toss that shit on the grill. What could go wrong? Serve by forgetting about corn until it has literally burned into nothing.

Beer Can Chicken

Serves a few. Ten? Eight? Four?
1. Drink a can of beer.
2. Open another can. Pick a beer that has a rich, malty flavor, or doesn't have a rich, malty flavor. It does need to be a beer. Probably.
3. You know what you should listen to? "Bees in the Trap." Fuck yeah.
4. Put some salt and pepper into the beer. And paprika, or something?
5. Take a sip, just to see what it tastes like. You're like a microbrewer, here. Grillmaster's Tip: You know what would be awesome, is if Doritos sold, like, Dorito powder, as a spice rub. Right? Just saying.
6. Put the beer on the grill. Haha, what if that was what you were grilling? Beer? Hahahaha.
7. Grasp the chicken by the hind legs and spread to expose the hole. Say this out loud several times to your roommate.
8. Yell "sorry" at your roommate as she leaves the roof.
9. Place the chicken on top of the can of beer.
10. Pick the chicken up from the ground. Is it still good? It's still good.
11. Maybe not.
12. Is the beer still good, though?
13. A little bit hot.
14. A lot hot. Never mind.
15. Open another can of beer. Serve to yourself.


Serves as many as a pizza does
1. Did you know you can grill pizza? I bet you didn't!
2. But haha, why would you?
3. Order pizza. Serve immediately

Photo by Jim Cooke.