The latest front in America's whorish War on Decency could be as close as the drug store aisle. Our nation's Pandora-like women, outfitted in buttocks-baring short shorts as they prowl the landscape for the "good time" Appletini party boy of the night, now demand the right to have unspeakable varieties of grossly sexual concoctions and tools for prodding into nameless bodily crevices available for purchase at every small-town retailer and drug store. How long before your child comes home from a "candy run" to reveal a mouthful not of Lik-M-Aid but of KY Jelly, what with its eye-catching, alluring packaging?

Though it makes a mockery of the very notion of the "fairer sex," harlots with fat wallets and a mindful of white wine and feminism have convinced retailers that were once havens of good clean American shopping to stock and sell a mind-blowing array of products designed to be applied directly to the unclothed vagina—whether married or slut. In a shocking exposé that may change your family's retail preferences forever, the New York Times reveals today that the store aisles upon which you've allowed little John and Suzy to roam freely may contain something more than the birds and bees themselves could have bargained for:

K-Y Intense, a female arousal gel that claims to heighten clitoral sensitivity, is sold in Walmart, Walgreen and Rite Aid. Sensuva's ON, an arousal oil, can be found in 640 GNC stores nationwide. Intimina by LELO, an "intimate lifestyle line" that manufactures personal massagers, apparel and "intimate cosmetics," is sold at Pharmaca Integrative pharmacies. And Zestra Essential Arousal Oil is now sold in 1,800 Walmarts, up from 880 in 2010.

Wal-Mart—where I used to buy my Bibles—is now home to a veritable dominatrix dungeon's worth of "arousal" oils rumored to be more powerful than any known chastity belt, not to mention the modest marital exertions of which a hardworking husband may reasonably be capable. Take heed, gentle reader: does your wife's shopping cart contain the seeds of your future irrelevance?

Better check.