Oh heck, a new survey says that going to the movies is a "frequent source of entertainment" for only 3% of your fellow Americans. Three dang percent. What the hey are you doing with your time now, Americans? Masturbating? Where, and in what ways? Do you have pictures? That's not the point. The point is that the movies must be saved. But how?

  • Americans enjoy eating salty foods with low nutritional value but high levels of fat and calories. Explore the possibility of serving such food at movie theaters.
  • Americans enjoy simple stories about sex, violence, and childlike tales of good triumphing over the evil "other." Make movies on these topics.
  • All talkies, all the time.
  • Don't just have any old people in the movies; try putting famous people in them.
  • Fewer people going to the movies? Raise the price. Raise the price very, very high.
  • Imagine a film in which the "monster" of your imagination comes to life—on the big screen. Yes, science can achieve it.
  • Equip movie theaters with air-conditioning for cool comfort all year round.
  • Maybe have one of them pretty girls show her tits?

United States of The Cinema!

[Photo: Nick Bradshaw/ Flickr]