Here's their headline:
"Lesbian reunited with bike she lost FOUR DECADES ago after her own wife spots it in a muddy stream"
What will the lesbians do next?
Most of the Mail article appears to be a direct transcription of The Lesbian's interview video posted on The Cape Cod Times' website. (Those suckers don't even mention the lesbian angle in their video caption. You're burying the lede, Cape Cod Times.)
The video itself is very charming (The Lesbian, her wife—also a lesbian—and the small town reporter with big time energy assigned to cover the bicycle beat all get really into dramatically recreating every event) but here's a rough summary if you don't have time to watch it now. (Watch it later. So charming.):
One day, in 1970, 11-year-old lesbian Lisa Brown was riding her bike across a rickety wooden bridge over what is reverently described as "the mighty Herring river." As she went to make a slight adjustment to her path, Brown The Lesbian lost her balance and tumbled into the water, along with her bike. While Brown would eventually escape her watery grave and go on to become a great lesbian, her bike, deeply immersed in the muck, was considered lost to the ages.
Forty-two years later, Brown's wife Dierdre was walking the couple's dog about a quarter mile from the splash site when she noticed the old bike lodged among some trees.
Luck o' the Lesbians.
Much ado is made, in both the video and the Mail article, about the fact that, while the bike's frame is now rusty as a trombone, its vinyl banana seat (it seems like everyone says the phrase "banana seat" multiple times) has remained in pretty much mint condition.
It actually does look great. We should make people out of vinyl banana seats.
Banana seats banana seats banana seats.
Far and away the most hilarious moment of the video comes at the end, when The Lesbian speculates about what she and the wife should do now that they have found the bike (and its banana seat):
"Maybe we just keep it an art form in the woods...or maybe we yank it up and make an art form at the house with it now."
Just to be clear: a mangled bike lying in a patch of weeds in the woods is not an art form. It is trash.
Then again, a mangled bike propped in a corner of your home is also trash.