Hippie Homemade Yogurt Will Outlive Us All, One Day Rule Earth
NPR's The Salt blog warns that the hippie dippy organic yogurt you make today could outlive you.
That's because some bacteria that grow and feed on the sugar in milk – the process that ferments milk into yogurt - can procreate indefinitely in new generations of yogurt.
To make this slutty yogurt, online shopping enthusiasts are snatching up freeze-dried powders containing bacterial cultures that originated in yogurt powerhouses "like Finland and Bulgaria."
Devotees claim the homemade stuff has added health benefits, as well as an improved texture and flavor, though you can't slurp it out of a long phallic tube unless you make your own, which could be cool.
To create your own yogurt, all you need to do is add the aforementioned bacteria-laden powder to milk. To create your own yogurt forever, all you need to do is repeat step one, this time using a little bit of the old yogurt you already made, every week for the rest of your life.
The same yogurt could even become a family heirloom, passed down through generations (in theory, for millennia), as long as the human race and yogurt-storing mechanisms prevailed, until, eventually, the bacteria contained therein evolved to become sentient, then murderous.
Sandor Katz, a fermentation expert and live-culture eating enthusiast, told The Salt he "likes the idea of yogurt fermented with a large community of bacteria that has evolved together over time."
This is crazy because, obviously, that sounds terrifying.
Best and worst of all, because they require so much attention and constant feeding, some would argue you can even think of the bacteria as pets:
…You have to be prepared to start a new batch every seven days to keep the culture going. "They're a little bit like pets; they need regular care and feeding," [Julie Feickert, owner of Cultures for Health, a company that sells live culture yogurt starters] says.
So, the next time you want to ruin a young child's birthday, tell them you got them a pet and then hand them a small bowl of plain yogurt you made standing up in your kitchen while watching Hoarders.
When the inevitable tears begin to flow, harvest and dry those yourself to make an organic exfoliating bath scrub.
Of course, where there is great love, so too is there the potential for great tragedy. Sandor Katz explains the burdens of pet ownership:
"I was making yogurt with the Bulgarian and Greek heirloom starters, but then one day I forgot to start a new batch of the Greek, so it died."
I would have gotten you a pet, but the last little girl I gave a pet to didn't take care of it, so it died.
More tears for you.
One caveat for the lazy: You probably won't be able to build a family legacy with banana Dannon you got on sale because it was technically a little expired.
According to The Salt, normal store-bought yogurt only contains a few strains of bacteria that can't regenerate for very long – a couple generations at most.