'I Don't Want a Baby That Looks Like That': A Girls Recap
The appropriate response to Girls, a television program about pretty young White Nationalists seeking abortions and love in the Big City, is silence. But we are in the noise business, and today is the 21st anniversary of the death of Johnny Thunders, so here is a recap.
N.B.: For the purposes of this recap, I shall employ the name of a prominent segregationist politician and/or signer of the Southern Manifesto to stand in for the names of the four main characters. A key follows:
- Laurie Simmons' daughter = Sen. Strom Thurmond
- Brian Williams' daughter = Gov. George Wallace
- The Drummer from Bad Company's daughter = Gov. Orval Faubus
- David Mamet's daughter = Rep. Iris Faircloth Blitch
The only opinion of episode two of Girls that matters is that of Johnny Rotten, who sang of it 1977:
Fuck this and fuck that
Fuck it all the fuck you fucking brat
She don't want a baby that looks like that
We open with the woodworking actor who hates his parents fucking Sen. Strom Thurmond. The actor treats Sen. Strom Thurmond in a moderately abusive manner, telling her that she is an 11-year-old junkie with a Cabbage Patch lunchbox and the she is "a dirty little whore, and I am going to send you home to your parents covered in cum." The actor pulls out and masturbates onto Sen. Strom Thurmond's body, explaining that he is going to "make the fucking continent of Africa on your arm."
Gov. George Wallace is also getting fucked, but limply, by her boring effeminate boyfriend who has a vagina. Later they fight about how he respects her too much: "You should be able to just go about your business, piss me off, and not give a fuck," Gov. George Wallace tells her boyfriend. "It's what men do."
"It's like I don't even know how to make love to you anymore," he replies.
"Make love to me? You mean fuck me?" Gov. George Wallace says. WHEN WILL A REAL MAN COME ALONG TO FUCK GOV. GEORGE WALLACE IN A MANLY FASHION? (Next episode.)
Gov. Orval Faubus is smoking pot in Rep. Iris Faircloth Blitch's room. Gov. Orval Faubus, who is pregnant with the baby of some surfer dude she met during her global travels, offers some to Rep. Iris Faircloth Blitch. "No thanks," Rep. Iris Faircloth Blitch says. "I'm hyper enough already." A veiled Superchunk reference? A muffled cry for help?
"Totes" is uttered. Later, someone will say "Obvi" instead of "obviously."
Everyone is excited about Gov. Orval Faubus' impending abortion. "What was she gonna do," asks Sen. Strom Thurmond. "Like, have a baby and take it to her babysitting job? It's not realistic."
Sen. Strom Thurmond is concerned that she has contracted a venereal disease from the actor who hates his parents. She Googles "diseases that come from no condom for one second." If you Google that phrase, you will get a page of stories about Girls.
THE GIRLS GET TOGETHER FOR SOME TASTI D-LITE ON A PARK BENCH IN NYC.
They talk about a book called Listen Ladies: A Tough Love Approach to the Tough Game of Love: "Sex from behind is degrading, point blank. You deserve someone who wants to look in your face, ladies." Rep. Iris Faircloth Blitch loves this book. Sen. Strom Thurmond "hate read it." But Gov. Orval Faubus is outraged. "I don't like women telling other women what to do or how to do it or when to do it. Every time I have sex it's my choice."
Wait a minute is this about the book or about THE ABORTION SHE'S ABOUT TO HAVE? "You know I want to have children?" Gov. Orval Faubus tells Sen. Strom Thurmond. "I really want to have children. I'm going to be amazing at it. I'm going to be really good. And I want to have children with many different men of different races." This conversation takes place in a playground. Chills. Also, the non-white man you imagined when Gov. Orval Faubus said she intended to copulate with men of many different races is the only non-white man who appeared in this episode. Not that there's anything wrong with that!
Sen. Strom Thurmond has a job interview at a trade journal. The guy she is interviewing with is older and lives in Cobble Hill—"grownup Brooklyn." They flirt. She asks him if he goes to a fancy bar in his neighborhood called Weather Up. He does not. (Weather Up is not actually in Cobble Hill). She asks him if he goes to a dive bar in his neighborhood called Washington Commons. He does! (Washington Commons is not actually in Cobble Hill.) Sen. Strom Thurmond takes the flirtatious joking too far, facetiously accusing the guy she is interviewing with for a job of being a date rapist.
"Jokes about rape, or race, or incest, or any of that stuff," he tells her, "It's not office-OK." No job for her.
The rest of the episode is the Chinese restaurant episode of Seinfeld but set in an abortion clinic. Gov. Orval Faubus is late to her own abortion. Sen. Strom Thurmond, Gov. George Wallace, and Rep. Iris Faircloth Blitch are all waiting for her, supportively. Gov. George Wallace is so uptight that she is menstrually uptight, can you believe how uptight this lady is, metaphorically?
"Like I get my period at the same time on the same day every monthly cycle my entire life," Gov. George Wallace says. "Like it's never strayed from that. Seriously, I need to become a mom, Hanna. I was put on this planet to become a mother." Oh just wait until you get fucked in a manly fashion by a manly man in the forthcoming episodes, Gov. George Wallace! He will rock your menstrual cycle.
Where is Gov. Orval Faubus? She is at Tom & Jerry's, a blogger bar, drinking a White Russian. She apparently doesn't want an abortion? She meets a man at the bar. They start kissing. She tells him: "Put your hands down my pants." He does. His fingers come back bloody. Deus ex miscarriage! Abortion solved.
In the waiting room, Rep. Iris Faircloth Blitch lets loose that she is a virgin. Gov. George Wallace is surprised. Don't these ladies know each other and eat Tasti-D on NYC park benches together?
Sen. Strom Thurmond gets a pelvic exam while at the abortion clinic because she is convinced she is going to get HIV, which she speculates might not be such a bad thing because then she'd have an excuse for everything. Her OB-GYN hates her. Wouldn't you?
Watch this space for next week's recap of Girls.