The residents of a small Wisconsin town have had their lives plagued by house-rattling underground booms for the past few nights. No one has yet been able to identify the source of the sounds.
After initially feeling scared, then perplexed, then bored, then frustrated, the residents of Clintonville are now starting to get a little frantic.
These people need sleep.
These booms need to stop.
1. a 90-ton wrecking ball slamming into something
2. huge chunks of ice falling from a roof
3. a car being driven into someone's living room
4. a "critter" "causing bedlam" in a basement
5. a jackhammer [That one's lame.]
6. a furnace blowing up
7. a tornado
So far, city officials have only been able to identify things that are definitely not causing the sounds: an earthquake, a methane gas leak, underground mining, angels bowling. None of the usual suspects.
One currently popular theory, proposed by a geologist from University of Wisconsin-Green Bay, holds that the noises may be caused by the resettling of Clintonville's granite rock foundations, brought on by an especially low-water table.
Of course the real story—the story that the residents of Clintonville are too afraid to admit to themselves-is this:
The portal to Hell is almost certainly opening up under Wisconsin right this very minute.
[Image via AP]