The US Army has launched an investigation into workout supplements after two soldiers fell down and died from heart attacks after taking pre-workout boosters like Jack3d and OxyElite Pro, which contain DMAA, a no good very bad/ perfectly safe amphetamine that either gives you heart attacks or is totally innocuous, depending on who you ask.

Confused by all this scientific mumbo-jumbo? Sure you are. All you want to do is take some sort of powder that will fill you with an overwhelming sense of energy and invincibility so you can work out in peace. And then take some other powder that will make you super ripped. We got you, bro.

Before Your Workout

  • N.O.-XPLODE: Are you even vaguely interested in the idea of possibly going to the gym one day, a least in an abstract sense? The first thing to do before you find a gym or put on workout clothes or do anything else is to immediately go to Vitamin Shoppe™ and purchase a big old tub of N.O.-XPLODE (FRUIT PUNCH). This is a magical product that will give you enough energy to do any workout on this planet, up to and including SUPER SQUATS™. Tastes like melted lollipops mixed with sand. (The sand is creatine!) None of that dangerous, artificial DMAA crap; N.O.-XPLODE is made with only the most natural Di-Creatine Malic Acid Interfusion, L-Tyrosine-Alpha Ketoglutaric Acid, and Nicotinamide Adenine Dinucleotide. One scoop mixed with a glass of water is plenty to give you all of the ADVANCED STRENGTH™ that you need. Seriously, do not take two scoops. I hereby legally absolve myself of any and all consequences should you take two scoops. Just don't. As reviewer "pete" says, "this product is unlike anything ive ever f***ing tried b4 its just NUTS any1 who wants to get big and look awesome in the gym all day NEEDs THIS SUPPPLEMENT ASAP f yall who think this isnt effective cuz its frickin INSANE BRO ive been taking this for a month now and ive seen some of my biggest gains over the best 3 years....10 pounds !!!! LEAN MASSS!!!!!!!"
  • The answer to most exercise questions? "More N.O.-XPLODE."

During Your Workout

  • Water: U thirsty bro? Just drink some water, that's all you need, right? Oh... U working out hardcore bro?
  • Gatorade: Step your game up. Gatorade: for when you need something a little stronger than water. U gonna love it bro. What's that... still not hardcore enough?
  • N.O.-XPLODE: Maybe U need a little pick-me-up, bro.

After Your Workout

  • A Banana: Hey Max Read, did you have a good step aerobics class? Better have a banana for recovery purposes. Ha.
  • Whey Protein Powder: Why spend all your pocket money on fancy pre-mixed "Muscle Milk" shakes that are probably made from or at least contain trace amounts of horse semen (*legal boilerplate disclaimer here*)? Let me tell you what's in those five-dollar-a-bottle protein shakes: a little protein, water, and some bullshit. Why not cut out the middleman? Buy yourself a big ass tub of whey protein powder (VANILLA) at the aforementioned Vitamin Shoppe™, mix it up with some water, and drink that bad boy. The added bullshit? Your workout, probably.
  • Animal Pak: This is a pack of like eight different vitamins that you just choke down all at once. Not just your regular Flintstones vitamin crap than civilians take; there's also like fish oil, and uh, some... other vital muscle building chemicals that probably won't have any side effects whatsoever—unless you consider becoming a total animal a "side effect" (of being awesome). Stop asking so many questions.
  • N.O.-XPLODE: You must be tired after that workout.

Just add blood sweat and tears and mix it up and drink it for breakfast lunch and dinner! And remember: You can't spell "No slacking off in the gym because you need to explode through all exercises" without "N.O.-XPLODE!"

[Image by certified personal trainer Jim Cooke]