Neil Patrick Harris and His Husband Are Never Allowed to Break Up
Have you seen Neil Patrick Harris and his "husband" David Burtka on the cover of the "Love Issue" of Out magazine? It is so fucking adorable that I can't even describe it. But now these two have a heavy burden: they can never break up.
Yes, NPH and DB (who are not legally married but refer to each other as "husbands") are so fucking god damned perfect that they are now the poster boys for traditional gay marriage. They're the nice, safe, attractive, successful couple with adorable children who tell all the boring straight people out there, "Look. We can be just like you." I mean, they are just basically perfect. This is just what HRC wants on the cover of all their brochures. Even the photo shoot is tasteful. They're in bed but they're fully clothed. I could just die.
Then to make it even better, they tell us about how they met, their gorgeous relationship, moving across the country together, and the big pile of "Awwwwwww" that they wake up to every day. NPH writes, "Sometimes I'm deeply in love with David and head-over-heels, and sometimes I question whether it's going to work out and is meant to be. It's like a business relationship, as well as a personal one; we have a business together and that's maintaining our love for one another."
They're so in love and they're funny and self-effacing and I love them for being the perfect gays and giving us all something to aspire to even as I hate myself a little bit for not really wanting their idealistic brand of heteronormative love. I don't know if one man and a bunch of kids is the path for me, but it's nice to know that, finally, we live in a world where that is a viable choice if I want it—if any of us want it. And what better role models are there for an Adventures of Ozzie and Harry lifestyle than these two?
That is why they cannot break up. We all know how Hollywood couples go. It's rough, and we don't really have a great track record. Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi have been going strong for years, but Ellen is forever tarnished by the taint of her extraterrestrial breakup with has-bian Anne Heche. Rosie O'Donnell had a big happy family with her former partner, but that fell to bits too. Ricky Martin won't even talk about his man and Lance Bass is still running around chasing after every straight bartender with a set of abs.
We need you boys to be the alternative. We need you to be happy and loving and romantic and kiss each other on the Adam's apple in public and prove to our moms that we can have a picket fence if we want it until one day all the moms say, "Why can't you just settle down with a nice man like that, what's his name, Neil Patrick Harrison. They look so happy. And the kids! Awwww."
That is your job. Now don't fuck it up.