New painkiller! Holiday eating! Gum health! Infant drugs! Fat ladies! Swine flu! Coma boy! Allergy cats! And a foolproof stop smoking plan that just might work! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—fatalistically!

  • So drug companies were like, "you know what we need out there is a painkiller that's like ten times stronger than Vicodin, so teenagers don't have to swallow so many Vicodins, before they go out." Wake up people, it's a drug company, right there in its brazen title. How the police allow this to go on despite my repeated 911 calls is beyond me.
  • Does it really matter how much you eat during the holidays? Some people say yes, other say no. Come over here, let me ask you something. What was the question?
  • Your gums, teeth, and tongue can hold lots of early warning signs about diseases in your body. But just try getting them out of there. Go ahead, try. I'll wait. Fine, enough. I don't have all day.
  • Important alert for moms: acetaminophen dosing guidelines for infants have changed. Use your mother's intuition to determine the new right amount. You just know.
  • Middle aged women who go on diets tend to lose muscle mass, then regain that weight as fat. Old... women... fat. Heh. Heh heh. Ahahaha. Bwahahaha! Hahahahehehehahahehee! Boogity boogity boo! Fat old ladyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!
  • Okay, yes. Swine flu is back. We're going to survive. Calm down. Breathe. Wait! Don't breathe. Good lord, no. Do. Not. Breathe.
  • Is there really "no better gift" than having your child awaken from a coma and come home for Christmas? Uhhh, sure. *Violent eye rolling.* Way better than a harem.
  • It's settled: getting a cat while you're an adult drastically raises your risk of developing allergies, so we might as well put those fucking cats out on "Cat Gladiator Island" where they will engage in mandatory televised gladiator contests for the amusement of humanity, as outlined in my memo to the CBS network dated June 11, 2009. CBS, I await your reply, which you may direct to "Ship Full of Cats, New York Harbor, New York, NY." Please hurry.
  • How to quit smoking in the new year? Give me those cigarettes. Now, get outta here.

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