The 10 Least Fascinating People of 2011
Tonight, the American Broadcast Company airs Barbara Walters Presents: The 10 Most Fascinating People of 2011, wherein TV's grande dame of celebrity reacharounds offers profiles of some of the most spellbinding figures of our time. This year's list includes the likes of Katy Perry (fascinating breasts), Donald Trump (fascinating hair), Simon Cowell (also fascinating breasts), Herman Cain (finds breasts fascinating), and the Kardashians (fascinatingly stupid). As a companion piece, we have compiled this list of The 10 Least Fascinating People of 2011. Think of it as a love letter to everyone who bored, bothered, or left us utterly cold over the past 12 months.
The turnip-headed reality star turned CNN seat-filler loves Twitter wars and speaking over his guests almost as much as no one gives a shit about him. He flirted with mild fascination when his own words implicated him in the News Corp. hacking scandal, but then quickly returned to snoresville as he droned on about cricket scores and Charlie Sheen's awesomeness and how tragic it is when comediennes who are actually comedians kick the bucket.
Ratner's films have grossed in excess of $1 billion, though we defy you to recall a single fascinating scene in any of them. Even when you factor in the image of him pleasuring himself with a handful of cocktail sauce, The Oscars Producer That Never Was remains the least interesting filmmaker of his generation. Not that he cares: Fascination is for fags.
A giant, fleshy iPod that exclusively plays Rat Pack songs. The most interesting thing about this multi-platinum-selling artist on the Geriatric Contemporary charts is the accent in his last name. Never saw that coming!
The presidential candidate so preternaturally charmless, he's been bested in the polls by a rotating freakshow of cross-eyed, paste-eating challengers who couldn't point to Libya on a map if it had four giant arrows aimed at it and a Post-It beneath that read, "THIS IS LIBYA. RIGHT HERE. BETWEEN ALGERIA AND EGYPT. NO, OVER HERE, HERMAN." That's how not-fascinating Mitt Romney is.
The most intriguing thing about the former First Daughter is that she has her own chief of staff. Were you aware that she has finally decided to embrace her celebrity this year? Do you care? No, of course you don't care. Ironically, there is a semi-fascinating genetics experiment in here somewhere, in how it proved how two fascinating parents do not make a fascinating child.
So it turns out the world's most powerful entertainer really was her show, and her show was her, and when the two parted ways, she instantly ceased to be fascinating. Tragically, the greatest minds at Facebook and Twitter could not put the fascinating pieces of Oprah Dumpty back together again. Go back to giving away cars, Oprah. That might make you mildly diverting.
The new face of NBC comedy is as captivating as her catchphrase. (Her catchphrase is "OK.") After Community was pulled to make room for her terrible new sitcom, she became ever-so-slightly fascinating, simply for skyrocketing her to the status of most-hated woman on the internet. Also, if she is actually 29, Tina Brown is actually fascinating.
Buzz-hungry publishing gorgon turns once-respected newsweekly into bizarre sci-fi fanzine; remains utterly un-fascinating while doing so.
Glenn Rush Bill Beck Limbaugh O'Reilly
The world has finally sated its appetite for a corrupt, six-legged, potbellied, racist, blabbermouthed famewhore with an ex-wife vendetta, prescription pill addiction and painful crush on Bono. Sorry, Glenn Rush Bill! You're no longer fascinating.
Less an actual TV news correspondent than a helium-filled decorative party balloon from which air slowly seeps every time she speaks, the world's leading beneficiary of nepotistic kickbacks continues to be the least fascinating human being in the entire universe, ever. Congrats, Meghan McCain!
[Photos via Getty and AP, Photo of McCain via Twitter]