Newsweek, the nation's premiere publisher of fan fiction, has followed up its charmingly hideous "What if Diana Were Alive?" cover story with a brand new exploration of hypotheticals: What will Barack Obama do if he loses, and also, what will he look like? Alas: this one doesn't go far enough. We have some ideas, though!

We don't mean that we're disappointed that the magazine didn't render a hypothetical "Barack Obama's Facebook wall," as it did for Diana. (Though we are disappointed, in the sense that we're always disappointed a single-car accident isn't a two-car accident.) And we're glad that the artwork for this article is so much less creepy than the work for Diana!

No, what we mean is: if you're going to write fan fiction, why be so relentlessly boring? "Obama might become a professor or a Supreme Court justice or a motivational speaker." I mean, hello, guys: think big! Here are some suggestions:

  • Obama single-handedly wins the war in Afghanistan: "Sgt. Diaz stared at the cloud of smoke. 'I think... holy shit, I think there's someone alive down there,' he said, scrambling to pick up his binoculars. He lifted them to his eyes, and saw, walking out of the smoke, face smudged but grinning, President Barack Obama. He was smoking a cigar and carrying Mullah Omar's head."
  • Obama joins The X-Files: "Scully had been Mulder's partner for years. She expected the odd cases, the weird obsessions, the constant paranoia. But what she never expected was to walk into the office one day and find President Barack Obama. 'Sir, I—' she stammered, before Mulder interrupted: 'Scully, I want you to meet our new partner.'"
  • Obama becomes a wizard: "Obama could feel the power flowing through him: a curious, warm feeling, emanating from somewhere in his rib cage, a throbbing kind of energy that pushed through his body and crackled at his fingertips. Mr. Merriweather nodded. 'You are ready," he said—though Obama was sure his mouth had never moved. He removed a small piece of wood from a leather sheaf in his belt and handed it to the president. 'Your wand,' he said, simply."
  • Steampunk Obama: "The figure moved out of the shadows and Obama realized it was not a man but a machine—a shining, brass machine wearing a top hat and a morning coat—a clockwork miracle like none he had ever seen—and in its hand a pistol. 'You are surprised to discover,' the thing intoned, 'that Doktor Zeizter is an automaton?' Outside, Obama could hear the dirigibles start their engines. He knew they were headed for Big Ben."
  • Obama develops feelings for Kirk: "He had never seen Kirk like this before, wild, strong, glistening with sweat. Obama inhaled deeply, letting Kirk's musk tickle his nose hair; he opened his eyes and allowed his focus to trace the line of Kirk's thick calf muscle. From that moment on, Barack Obama's time on the Enterprise would never be the same."

Please add your own Obama fan fiction in the comments!

[The Daily Beast; image of pirate Barack Obama via AP]