Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno just fractured his pelvis for the second time. He'll be spared surgery, but will still have to continue living life as Joe Paterno: America's cancer-having*, idiot riot-inspiring, Presidential Medal of Freedom-less, buffed off, soon-to-be-trashed child rapist-protector. In central Pennsylvania. Where nothing cool happens, except miracle-of-lifey cow births and ice cream parties.

* Not meant as a dig against people with cancer—a disease that has claimed several beloved family members and is the most likely cause of my own death after "getting run down by a Bud Light truck while riding my bicycle."

[Image via AP]