You know when you spend a whole Saturday afternoon watching a marathon of America's Next Top Model a highbrow HBO show and you feel like your ass got fatter from sitting on the couch for so long? Guess what. It actually did.

Israeli scientists just did a study that proves that sitting on your fat ass actually makes your fat ass fatter. They noticed that paraplegics and other people bound to wheelchairs and beds were developing fat cells in the muscle groups where they were sitting or lying. That lead them to do all this complicated research on cells and molecules and glucose and "mechanical stretching load" (hehe, load) and all sorts of things I don't understand because I was too busy muddling through my wake and bake in freshman Biology to actually pay attention. But know what I do understand? When they say, "the pressure put on areas of the body used for sitting or lying down produces up to 50 per cent more fat in those parts."

They just called me fat. To my face. Man, that is fucked up! Apparently now we don't only need to worry about calories and staying fit, but spending all that time on the sofa watching reality television programs is actually making us all into giant blob monsters. Wall-E is coming true! It also makes life more difficult for obese people, who sit more, and then make even more fat in their sitting parts. Oh my god, I'm never sitting again. Shit, I'm sitting right now typing this. I am so disgusting. Don't look at me. I'm gross. I'm fat nasty horrible mess who has to sit down all day. I'm never going to get laid again. Thanks, science, for ruining my entire life.

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