Master of the modern freak show TLC has taken one of the most awkward of common human experiences—having sex for the first time—and made it a billion times worse by presenting it in a ghastly monstrosity of a vastly humiliating reality TV show. Behold the Virgin Diaries, in which a sex-abstaining couple shares their wedding preparation, night, and aftermath.

Our sister site Jezebel transcribed the "totally respectful and nonjudgmental documentary clip":

WOMAN: [On seesaw] I'm scared! [Cut to walking in a field] I think that you should take a shower first, and then I'll take a shower. Then I'll put on my lingerie. Then I'll come into the room.
MAN: And I'll have a surprise waiting for you!
WOMAN: But I'll have a surprise waiting for you and we'll have our robes on and we'll slowly take our robes off and then do foreplay and [Woman makes grunting sounds on the seesaw] then have sex! [Back on seesaw] Ow, it hurts!

That said, the suspense is kind of killing me. What are the surprises? Are they talking about their genitals? Or will they have some sort of clever pranks prepared? Magic Eye posters? Whoopie cushions? Definitely whoopie cushions. [TLC]