In olden times, when Americans were forced to scavenge for food at "Supermarkets," people ate only three "meals" per day, that being the maximum number that the womenfolk could be goaded into preparing, no matter how much you beat them.

Glorious progress! At last, we have evolved to a state in which we eat any and all "food" product at any time of day—or all times of day! According to one of angel paper USA Today's patented trend stories, weird Americans just like you now eat weird food at weird times. Weird! You're all quite weird, hungry, and disgusting.

Perhaps that's why 20% of the cookies and apple pies sold by McDonald's are at breakfast - and why one of its biggest "limited time" product roll-outs in 2012 won't be a burger, but McBites, a popcorn-size chicken snack. It's why Dunkin' Donuts sells gobs of Chicken Salad sandwiches at 9 a.m. And why half the products Denny's sells are breakfast items. It's why Kellogg has marketed Special K Chocolatey Delight and Rice Krispies as after-dinner snacks. And, it's why 20% of the folks who buy Stonyfield yogurt eat it instead of dinner.

What next, downing a revolting agglomeration of lard-laden beans and greasy dog meat topped with a dollop of fat-soaked curdled milk wrapped in a processed corn patty, as you sit in your idling minivan at 2 a.m. in an Oklahoma parking lot? Should we expect our childlike countrymen to wander into eating establishments at midnight, demanding a belly-busting plateful of pancakes drenched in artificial "cinnamon roll" flavoring? Must our nation's restaurants wait on anxious standby as fanciful fops demand that their grade-C cow gut platter be soaked in cheap liquor and heated to the point of "sizzlin'?"

Grow up, America. And eat your Chick-n.

[USA Today. Photo of typical American daily diet via]